


Painted in Gold

by Champagne_Vagabond



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Original Character - Freeform, Pining, Pride, Secret Crush, Trigger warning homophobia, Unrequited Love, Useless Lesbians, ryan and graham have quit but are still alive and happy in sheffield, set after s12, trigger warning bullying, trigger warning depression, trigger warning racism, trigger warning suicidal thoughts, will be incredibly fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23162272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Champagne_Vagabond/pseuds/Champagne_Vagabond
Summary: Yaz is trying to enjoy her one-on-one travels with the Doctor, which would be easier if she wasn't hopelessly in love with her, but she does her best to keep her feelings hidden.On a trip back home Yaz is confronted with her traumatic past and all those painful memories she'd tried to get over are now rising to the surface. As she comes up against her demons, she realises that everything, including her love for the Doctor, is at risk of bursting free.Original Title: There's Bones in My Closet, But you Hang Stuff Anyway
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 93
Kudos: 211





	1. Chapter 1

The moment Yaz entered the TARDIS, she went straight to her bedroom. Their trip to visit an underwater colony had left her completely drenched. She should have foreseen that an underwater world combined with hi-jinks with the Doctor was going to end this way, but unfortunately, she’d worn her classic outfit that included skinny jeans which were now stuck to her skin.

She took off her shoes and socks and peeled off the denim material. When she was completely undressed, she went moved into the en-suite and turned on the shower to warm up. Before getting in, she looked at herself in the mirror and saw a considerable bruise on her abdomen. She and the Doctor had had a relentless past couple of days, from a way too close encounter with a creature made entirely out of what looked like slugs to today where she kidnapped a half-fish half-man alien and subsequently nearly drowned in the Doctor’s escape plan.

She ran her fingers over the purple blotch and tried to recall when it had even happened, but her mind was hazy the whole adventure merging into one stressful blur. She got in the shower and was embraced by the warm water running down her skin, it was an almost instant relief. She took some deep breaths as her muscles started to relax.

The underwater world was supposed to be them having a nice time and they could forget about the slug monster from the previous day. But as usual, the Doctor caught wind that something was up and just like that Yaz’s hopes of a quiet and happy day with her were dashed. Yaz craved quality time with her and to a certain extent she did get more time since Ryan and Graham had quit, but any time they were together, the perils of the universe were more than enough to distract them from bonding any further. Yaz tried to appreciate the little moments they had together, from the times they spent chatting in the TARDIS to the long glances as they exchanged when they had to split up for the sake of a risky plan. Those were the moments Yaz cherished the most. As the shower warmed her physically, thinking on those memories warmed her spirit.

After her shower she got dressed in some cotton pjs, slippers, and a fluffy dressing gown. She strolled down to the control room where a still totally drenched Doctor stood fiddling about with the controls.

“You should go get changed, you’re soaking wet,” Yaz said and the Doctor looked up at her briefly before returning to the controls.

“Just sorting our co-ordinates, and making sure those fish things can’t follow us,” The Doctor said whilst darting around the control panel. Yaz tried not to look at the way her clothes were clinging to her slender frame.

Yaz perched up on a hexagonal step.

“You should really get some chairs in here,” Yaz commented.

“Used to have some, we can buy some if you like,” The Doctor said, flicking one last switch before turning to her. She noticed immediately that Yaz was more hunched over than usual, her hand on her abdomen. “Did you get hurt?” She asked, walking over to her and kneeling to her level.

“It’s nothing, just a bruise, must have been when I tried to escape but I can’t remember.”

“Can I have a look please?” The Doctor asked gently.

Yaz nodded and the Doctor brought her to her feet. Yaz undid her dressing gown and lifted her shirt.

“Ouch, that looks quite bad,” Said the Doctor, she reached out to touch the bruise. The feeling of her touch on her skin which gave her a small buzz of excitement. The spark was mixed in with a little sting, but that feeling was off in the distance, her focus was entirely on the sensation of her delicate fingertips that traced the injury. “I have something that’ll help, stay there.” The Doctor darted out of the room.

Yaz waited and gave herself the usual talking to. _It’s not going to happen. She’s an alien who does not want you like that. You need to stop this._ She would constantly tell herself words to that effect as a feeble attempt to push these thoughts out of her mind. It never worked. She knew she couldn’t control the desires of her heart, but she could at least keep her pining away from the Doctor’s knowledge. It was easy enough to do, despite the Doctor often being the smartest person in the room, she appeared completely oblivious to that sort of thing. Or at least, Yaz hoped she was.

The Doctor came back carrying a small tub of cream. Yaz lifted her shirt again and felt the Doctor gently rub the lotion onto her bruise, the rush came back. She felt like she was stood on a beach, feet in the sand, and as the Doctor touched her a little wave would hit at the ankles submerging her feet, the water rushing over. A small, cheap thrill. And as the Doctor finished, so did the tide withdraw. Yaz was left feeling cold.

“That feels better already,” Yaz said, putting her shirt down. The Doctor gave her a small smile and went back to the panel.

“Wasn’t exactly the relaxing getaway we’d hoped for was it?”

“No, not exactly.”

“Where to next then?” The Doctor asked.

“I was thinking, if it’s alright that we could home for a bit? Just for a day or two,” Yaz said. As much as part of her wanted to keep going, she couldn’t handle another day like today anytime soon. She could see that the Doctor was trying to give them some rest, and sometimes they did have a good time, she just needed a break before she risked it again. At least at home, she knew she could have some peace.

“No problem, sorry I keep finding trouble wherever we go,” The Doctor said, keeping her focus on the controls.

“No need to apologize. You don’t look for trouble, but it has a habit of finding you,” Yaz said, and smiled at her softly.

“Been a problem my whole life unfortunately,” She said looking up at her and giving her an apologetic look.

“I knew this is what I signed up for, we are never sure what is gonna happen, I just need a little rest,” Yaz said.

“Lets get you home then,” The Doctor said going back to the controls.

“Doctor, first, you should take off those clothes,” Yaz said, looking at all the water she’d dripped onto the floor.

“Buy a girl a drink first Yaz,” The Doctor teased and quickly bounded out of the room. Yaz was left trying to process that last statement. It was quite a flirtatious comment, but she assumed the Doctor was just joking around. If anything, it proved to Yaz that the Doctor had no idea that she was pining after her, thus feeling comfortable enough to make a risqué joke.

When the Doctor came back, she was wearing the same outfit, just a different colour shirt. They exchanged a smile and the Doctor put in the co-ordinates for Sheffield.

\---------

When they got back, Yaz had a text pop up on her phone.

_Long time no see, fancy a pint?_

It was from Dan, a friend from work. They started their probation at the same time, and Dan had now finished his probation and was a fully-fledged police constable. Yaz had declined a couple of times now, thanks to her travelling, but now seemed like a good time to catch up. She text him back;

_Sure, pub at 7.30?_

“I’m gonna go meet a mate tonight, more than welcome to join,” She said slipping her phone back into her pocket.

“Nah, I’ve got plenty to keep me occupied, lots of odd jobs, ya know. Meet back here tomorrow?”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, keep out of trouble,” Yaz said, smirking. When she was back out into the world, she felt a sense of relief. If she was being honest with herself, she did need some time away from her which then led to a stab of guilt. Her feelings were usually under control, but every now and then she did need space to collect herself again.

She looked back at the TARDIS and sighed, thinking about what the future would hold for them both. She was past the phase of denial, past the phase of self-loathing, and now she was trying to accept it for what is was. An unrequited love. Maybe one day she’d have to quit, the pain to intense to bear, but for now she believed she could keep her love hidden away, as it slowly gnawed through her heart.

\---------------

Yaz spotted Dan from across the bar and went over to join him.

“How have ya been stranger?” He asked, clearly excited to see her.

“Not too bad thanks, you?”

“Yeah good, I’ll get ‘em in, what do you fancy?”

“I’ll have a cider please.”

Roughly ten minutes later Dan returned with their drinks.

“So I hear you’ve been off travelling?” He asked before taking a sip.

“Yeah, been here, there and everywhere,”

“I see…well I hate to be a gossip, but word is you’ve been travelling with someone? A woman? A gorgeous blonde apparently…” He trailed off into a smirk, raising his drink to his lips. Yaz didn’t expect to get probed with these sorts of questions this early in the night.

“You are a liar Daniel McIntosh, you live for the drama,” She said, trying to avoid answering the question.

“Okay, you got me, it’s just because I have nothing interesting going on in my own love life. Now tell me everything,”

“Hang on, how did you even know about this?” She asked,

“I have my ways…and maybe I bumped into your sister a few weeks ago in town, I wanted to check you were alright and apparently you’d eloped with a lady,” He said raising his eyebrows, Yaz could tell he was loving every second of this. “I told you it was time to get out there and meet a nice girl, I’m glad you took my advice.” Yaz waved her hand trying to slow him down on this path he’d veered off onto.

“It’s not like that, we are just mates.” She said and Daniel made a face.

“Come on, I heard she just appeared out of no where and whisked you away. Sonya said that boyfriend of hers and his granddad also used to travel with you two…but now its just the two of you?”

“Yeah, they wanted to go back to a normal life. I didn’t. Or rather, we didn’t.”

“Ah, but would you stay out travelling if it wasn’t with her?”

Yaz faltered then. She wanted to keep lying, but it was obvious to her that Daniel was seeing through her. She needed to have a strong word with Sonya the next time she saw her.

“I’m going to take your lack of an answer as a no,” Daniel said, taking another sip of his gin and tonic. All the tension of the past few months seemed to crystallise in that moment, someone had seen straight through Yaz’s carefully constructed façade and now there was nowhere to left to hide. She put her head in her hands, sighing. “So you like her?” Daniel asked.

Yaz took her hands away from her face and took a few long sips on her cider before answering.

“Yes.” Admitting it out loud made it so much more real, it was in part a relief to finally say what had been driving her crazy, but it was also completely mortifying. Those words were spoken, out in the world, no way of getting them back in the bottle now. “But you can’t tell anyone Dan, especially not my sister. No one. I will hunt you down if anyone finds out. You’re the only person who knows, so I’ll know it was you okay?” Dan held his hands up then crossed his heart.

“I promise, I’m not in the business of outing closeted people to their relatives and friends Yaz. I’ll say you’re just mates, don’t worry.”

“Thanks,” She sighed, feeling a bit guilty for not trusting him a bit more. She had only just admitted it out loud she felt panicked at the prospect of containing a secret like this. “Sorry, I just can’t have anyone else know.” Dan nodded

“So, have you talked to her about this?”

Yaz shook her head.

“It’s really _really_ complicated. You’re just going to have to trust me, it’s never going to happen.” Yaz said, looking down at her drink.

“But how do you know if you’ve never even asked?”

“Trust me. She isn’t interested.” Yaz attempted to be firmer with her speech, trying to stop this train in its tracks. Daniel sat back in his seat.

“Okay, lets say I believe you, which I don’t by the way, that this woman could have no interest in you without you asking, then why are you still travelling with her?”

“Well, we are still good mates so…it’s still great. We have a good laugh.”

“But doesn’t it hurt?”

Yaz nodded.

“Trust me I know the price I am paying, torturing myself like this. But it’s worth it. Every second I do get with her, she makes it worth it.”

Dan let out a puff of air from his cheeks.

“You sure you couldn’t get a crush on another girl who might like you back? This planet does have several billion other women you know,” Daniel said. And Yaz smiled to herself.

“I don’t think there is anyone on earth quite like her,” Yaz said.

“Bold claim.”

“I know.”

There was an ugly pause. She always knew Dan was stubborn, but she couldn’t explain to him properly why this wouldn’t work. She knew he had good intentions, he was trying to help Yaz play the game, but she still needed to hold some cards to her chest.

“So, you said your love life isn’t up to much?” She said trying to dissolve the tension.

“Nope. Paul left me, again.”

“Why do you keep going back to him?” She asked.

“Because I am a fool,” He rose his drink prompting Yaz to do the same. They clinked their glasses together as Dan said, “Here’s to us, two fools in love.”

Yaz took a sip of her drink and excused herself to go to the bathroom. And that’s when it happened. She was having a perfectly normal, if not a little frustrating night when her whole world crashed in around her. Her breath left her for a long moment as she looked at the bar. A girl. Around the same age as Yaz was chatting to her friend. The girl was turned at an angle on a bar-stool. Long brunette hair, blue eyes. She blinked, trying to cling onto to any fraction of hope that it wasn’t her. But there was no denying the person she was looking at. She had the audacity to not only still exist and but be in front of her.

Pain inflicted her body, panic started flooding in, faster by the second. Yaz wanted to run, but she still felt paralysed by the very sight of her.

Izzy Flint.


	2. Chapter 2

\- five years ago-

Yaz took a deep breath as she looked up at the sky. The warm breeze of a perfect Summer’s day enveloped her. Laying there on her back a field of grass, with her best friend beside her.

“Big plans for the Summer?” Izzy asked.

“Nope, more days like this hopefully.”

“Part of me didn’t even know if we’d make it to the last day of year eleven ya know, I thought Mr Baker was actually going to murder me for not handing in my homework last week. But instead, he just kind of sighed, like he’d given up.”

“You’re a lost cause,” Yaz teased, a smile forming on her face.

“I certainly am. At least I’m not taking A-Level Maths, I don’t think even I could put him through another year of me.” She said. Yaz could see her out of the corner of her eye, she was propped up on her elbows, blowing bubbles in the gum they’d bought in the corner shop. “So, you gonna talk to Jack next year?” She asked, poking Yaz’s side.

“Not so keen anymore.” It was a half-truth. She was never keen to begin with. Sometimes it was tiring, having to lie all the time. At best it was some sleepover where all the girls would dish the dirt on who they fancied, and at worst, she was lying to her best friend. She thought that if she kept her secret to herself, if it was never said out loud, then maybe, it wasn’t real. For a little while she could kid herself that she fancied Jack. The normality of it all was enticing.

“But you said that about Oscar, then Bradley, then Alex…I mean how are you ever going to cop off with anyone if you keep changing your mind all the time?”

“You change your tune between Arthur and Harry every other week!”

“But at least I actually get off with Arthur and Harry, I mean have you ever kissed a single lad at our school?”

“I kissed -”

“Marcus Burton I know. But Yaz that was the year eight school disco! Hardly counts. I mean like a proper snog. Did you even use tongues?” Yaz could still envision it in her head, Marcus’ tongue near fully in her mouth, swirling around like a washing machine. His sweaty hands on her forearms, the sound of McFly in the background of the party. The thought still made her cringe.

“Yes.”

“Let me guess, not great?”

“I told you already, it was gross.”

“Arthur is the best snogger in school, I should set you up. And I’ll have you know me and Harry are official now anyways. Ooooooh what about Chloe’s party next next weekend? Oh hell yes, this is happening.”

The anxiety in Yaz’s stomach was now rising to her throat. She pushed herself up to a seated position to try and alleviate some of the tension that pushed against her windpipe ever so slightly. She needed to think quickly,

“I’m not even invited to Chloe’s.” Yaz and Izzy had been best friend since they were little, Yaz couldn’t remember a time without her. Their mums became friends at nursery and that was it, Yaz and Iz, joined at the hip. But as Yaz realized the truth about herself, the more she did to distance herself from the popular girls at school. She couldn’t bear all the boy talk. Izzy on the other hand had flourished through puberty and was fully embedded with this group of girls, including Chloe. But despite being worlds apart, her and Yaz put in the effort to see one another, their childhood bond never once weakened.

“I’ll text her, you can plus one with me. Come on Yaz, Kev’s going to score us some booze!” Kevin, Izzy’s older brother, had just turned eighteen. It was in Yaz’s opinion that Kevin shouldn’t be trusted with a can opener let alone the responsibility of getting booze for a group of rowdy, underage sixteen-year-olds. But, maybe he was the only one stupid enough to say yes.

“What, a bottle of blue WKD and some Sainsbury’s basics paint stripper?”

“Oh come on Yaz! I know you like your little bubble in the library with those mates of yours but you gotta live a little!”

Yaz realized that she wasn’t going to get out of this today, maybe she could wait until the night of and make up some excuse. She couldn’t think of anything worse than having to make conversation her schoolmates who would all probably be too horny, too wasted and too idiotic to even know what was happening. When she thought about it a bit longer, she could think of something worse. All of that plus Arthur Penrose trying to snog her whilst Iz gets off with Harry. It was bad enough having a crush on her, but it was made even more painful when she saw her in the arms of whatever boy of the week.

“Plus you can’t tell me Arthur’s not cute. Like every girl in school wants a bit of that.” Izzy nudged her side with her elbow.

“Yeah, I can see why girls like him.” Yaz’s response was half-hearted. And it was true, she did see how all the girls at school fawned over him. To say Arthur wasn’t attractive would have potentially roused suspicions. “But what if he doesn’t even like me?”

“Oh come on Yaz, you’re a hottie. You just need to put yourself out there.” Yaz felt her heart warm at Izzy’s compliment, then she returned to the grim reality of the situation.

Izzy got up off the grass and looked at her.

“You know I’m not going to quit so you might as well say yes now,” Izzy said before blowing another bubble. Yaz resisted the urge to groan. The events she was walking into sounded like a nightmare, but she knew Izzy, and she knew this was going to happen.

“Fine, but I have to be back by 9.30 or my parents will freak.” After the word “fine” left her lips, Izzy lunged for her in a hug that sent them both to the floor. For a second, Yaz basked in the feeling of her friend on top of her. When that second ended, the guilt came toppling down on her. But before she could let it bury her, Izzy stood back up and Yaz was left with a twinge of shame in her gut.

“It’s gonna be so fun! I gotta go but I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?” With that she walked over to her bike and they exchanged one last smile before she left.

Yaz let out a long sigh. Only last month she’d bailed on Izzy’s plans to get her in with this crowd, she knew she probably couldn’t get away with it this time. She had always wondered when this would end for her. Would she ever stop feeling this way for Izzy? She knew that her secret was unavoidable, but if she could just get through school, then maybe her life wouldn’t have to be the nightmare she was currently living. She dread to know what her family would think of her, but she couldn’t try and pray to be different any longer. One day, she was going to have to face this.

She hoped not any day soon, but every time she saw Iz the truth was pushing up her throat, threatening to escape.

\--------

Izzy took her hand and let her up the driveway. Yaz could already year the music pumping from about twenty yards away, it added another layer of anxiety to the quickening rhythm of her own heart. Chloe’s home was a considerably large four-bedroom detached house in the posher part of Sheffield. Yaz saw Chloe standing at the door. Her usually straight blonde hair was curled, her pink sequin bodycon dress matched her pink heels.

“Izzy! Hiiiiiii!” Chloe called out from the patio,

“Hey! How’s it going?” Izzy replied as they joined her at the door.

“Not too bad thanks, we’ve got lots of people and lots of booze so it should be a good night!” Chloe’s eyes finally moved off Izzy to acknowledge Yaz’s existence.

“And Yaz…so nice of you to come.” Her tone said more than her words.

“Yeah, thanks for letting me tag.”

“Well, Izzy insisted so,” She said pursing her lips. An awkward moment hung in the air as Chloe twirled a curl of hair around her finger.

“Well we brought gifts of alcohol!” Izzy changed the subject in what Yaz assumed was a way to divert this tension. Izzy dipped into her tote bag and brought out two large bottles of blue WKD.

“Lovely, tell Kevin I said thanks,” Chloe said her enthusiasm plastered on her face. Yaz knew why she was annoyed, blue WKDs had a pretty low alcohol content. But it was Izzy’s favourite.

The girls walked into the house through the living room and into the garden to see about fifteen people from school. Some were chatting on the decking area, some were eating on the lounge chairs, some were even dancing along to the thudding music. Yaz knew this was going to be tough, but she hadn’t prepared herself for how nervous she would be. Her plan was to do three things, step one, pretend she was enjoying herself, step two, avoid Arthur at all costs, and step three was to get home by about nine thirty. She looked at her watch, it was seven pm.

Yaz followed Izzy to a table which had various snacks and drinks. Izzy grabbed two plastic cups from the stack and pulled out the drink from her bag. She poured them both a generous serving of the luminous blue liquid. Yaz took a sip of the ghastly drink and immediately recoiled, tasting nothing but sugar. Izzy laughed,

“Not your cup of tea?” Izzy asked, taking a sip.

“Tastes like melted down candy floss.”

Izzy turned to look at her properly and smiled. Yaz wondered if she’d ever not feel so much when she looked into those piercing blue eyes.

“Listen I know it’s not really your thing, but I’m glad you came. I know we don’t see as much of each other as we used to.” There was beat as Izzy looked at the floor then back up at Yaz. “Sometimes I just really miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Yaz replied, Izzy’s smile gave her an immediate relief from her surroundings. And then that moment ended.

“Oh hey Iz!”

 _Shit._ Arthur was walking towards them.

“Hey Arthur, you remember my friend Yaz right?”

“Yeaaahh,” He said looking at her with clearly no idea who she was. “You go to a different school right?” He asked, Yaz didn’t know whether to just say yes and avoid the awkwardness.

“No, I just don’t really come to parties and stuff.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Well I got her out tonight, finally!” Izzy said throwing her arm around her.

“Nice, give me one second I just need to grab my phone.” He said.

He darted off back into the house, Yaz gave Izzy a look that spoke a thousand words.

“What?” Izzy asked, a smirk on her face.

“What are you planning?”

“Maaybe I already text him just to say ya know, you’d be here, and you were interested.” As much as Yaz wanted to wipe the coy smile off her face she could only go so far in her outrage without giving the game away.

“Oh god.”

“Oh come on Yaz, he’s cute and he thinks you’re cute. What more is there to it?”

Yaz didn’t have any answer that didn’t involve the truth. She sighed and watched as he came back with two plastic cups filled to the brim with the blue WKD.

“So, do you fancy taking a little walk?” Arthur asked Yaz and felt her stomach sink. She felt a sense of panic rising within her which was clouding her ability to find another alternative. She nodded.

As they walked to the bottom of the garden Yaz saw a couple already making out behind the shed. It felt seedy, and Yaz felt the dread swell within her. She needed to talk to him, tell him there had been a mistake.

He led her to the gate at the very edge of the garden. They walked over a country road into a secluded area with lots of trees.

“So Yaz, how come I’ve never seen you at one of these parties before?”

“It’s not really my thing…”

“How come you came tonight then?”

“Iz wouldn’t let it go.”

Arthur smiled in a knowing way.

“Well, I’m glad she didn’t. I’m glad you’re here.”

He stopped walking. Yaz stopped and the fear started to kick her instincts into gear. She knew she could still get out of here, make a run for it. Despite her desire to appear straight, this was too heavy of a price to pay. Arthur looked at her, a lopsided smirk on his face as he walked closer towards her.

“Listen, I think there has been a bit of a misunderstanding.”

“Misunderstanding? You came out here with me, don’t get nervous on me now…” He trailed off and took another step. Yaz could feel herself backing into a tree. Reasoning with him wasn’t working and Yaz didn’t want to risk trying it any longer. He was leaning towards her now and all those memories of that school disco hit her again, knowing it wasn’t right, but she couldn’t even convince herself it was anymore.

So she ran.

“Hey, Hey!” She could hear Arthur calling out her, but she didn’t look back. She knew that she probably looked ridiculous, but any opinion Arthur Penrose had of her was better than putting herself through that. She darted up the garden and back to the house where she saw Izzy. She didn’t want to explain, didn’t want any of this. So she kept running.

“What’s going on? Yaz, Yaz!” Izzy called after her.

Yaz made it out of the house and kept running down the street, but she could hear footsteps and a shadow that was catching up to hers.

“Yaz wait, slow down!”

She felt Izzy’s hand grab her arm.

“Just let me go Iz!” She said turning around. Izzy’s expression one of deep concern.

“Yaz…what happened?”

“Nothing. Nothing ever happened and I can’t okay I just can’t put myself through it anymore.” Yaz could feel a spike of anger that pricked into her voice. All the lies, all the excuses, all the longing for the girl standing in front of her. It was all too much.

“I don’t understand… I was just trying to get you to have a bit of fun.” Izzy looked both apologetic and confused. Yaz knew she had her best interests at heart.

Yaz took a breath. She was defeated. No longer able to contain it.

“I’m gay.”

Yaz didn’t know until that moment that words had the ability to make time stop.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t until Izzy Flint looked at her that Yaz felt all the adrenaline flood into her system. Izzy’s eyes locked onto hers, her mouth opened slightly in shock. Yaz recovered her ability to move and darted out of the pub and out of the street, but she could only run a few yards. Her breath had left her body. She was left with her hands on her knees, panting like she’d just ran a marathon. She could hear her heartbeat in ears. All the trauma was hitting her in waves, the panic threatening to crush her airway. The memories stabbing her mind.

“Yaz! Yaz!” Yaz felt a sense of relief at Dan’s voice. She didn’t know what she’d do if Izzy went after her. He ran up to meet her and put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, you’re alright. What happened?” Dan’s tone reassuring. “Just take some deep breaths, you’re okay I promise.”

Yaz tried taking some deep breaths. She lifted her head up and tried to focus on the breeze in the air. Dan rubbed her back a little, minutes passed as Yaz gently touched back to earth. The fear was still present, but she allowed herself enough time to get over the initial shock.

“What happened?” Dan asked again as Yaz straightened back into a standing position.

“Let’s get out of here first.” Yaz said, worried that they weren’t far away enough from the pub. Dan nodded, and they started walking in the direction of Park Hill.

Yaz shoved her hands in her pockets, the pain in her throat subsidised with every moment that ticked on. She could sense the concern in Dan.

“You remember that girl I told you about? The one from school?”

“You saw her?”

“Sat on a barstool like nothing ever happened.”

“Oh Christ, Yaz, I’m so sorry.”

“I heard she moved down south, I thought I’d never have to see her again…” As words flowed out of her, so did the tears well in her eyes. “I thought I’d be safe.” Yaz took a sharp inhale trying to halt the tears from falling. “But seeing her….” She lost control of the tears and Dan pulled her into a hug.

“It brought it all back eh?” Dan felt her nod against his coat. They held each other for a while, the panic was gone, the fear now dulled, but the pain of all those memories left her crying on his jacket. “It’s okay, I’m gonna take you home okay?”

Yaz thought about the idea of going home like this. Questions upon questions that she didn’t want to face right now. They started walking again.

“You’re going to be okay Yaz, I know it’s hard having to deal with trauma, especially when it resurfaces.” He said, his arm around her shoulders as they walked. Yaz stayed quiet. They arrived at Park Hill and Yaz was relieved to see the TARDIS still parked in the same place as this morning, sometimes the Doctor would take little solo trips whilst she was home.

“I’ll be fine from here,” Yaz said.

“Are you sure? Because I can walk you to your door, I don’t mind.”

“Nah, I’ll be alright. I just need a minute.”

“Okay. But please just text or call me if you need anything, you don’t have to be alone.” He said giving her a small smile. She returned the smile and they said their goodbyes. As soon as he was gone, Yaz walked up to the TARDIS door and stepped inside.

\----------

“You’re early, thought we said tomorrow lunchtime.” The Doctor had her goggles on, a coil of wire wrapped around her shoulder, blowtorch in her hand, and was hunched over the controls. Yaz felt a wave of comfort just from hearing her voice. She’d been around her family all day and Dan all night, soaking in all the familiarity of the city where she was born, but nothing felt as much like home than the sight of her.

“I know, listen, can we just go?” Yaz asked, walking up to the control panel. The Doctor switched the blowtorch off and set it down, she moved her goggles to the top of head so she could look at Yaz properly. It was obvious Yaz was in distress, her eyes were puffy from crying and her mascara wasn’t were it was this morning.

“You okay?” The Doctor asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Yaz lied. “Just want to get as far away from Sheffield as physically possible,” Yaz mumbled looking down at her feet. When she looked back up the Doctor’s brow was furrowed.

“I can tell something is upsetting you.” The Doctor dropped the wire and walked over to her. “Are you hurt, is it something I can fix?”

Yaz shook her head.

“It’s an emotional problem, I’ve got a lot of…” Yaz searched for the words, “Really painful memories, it’s stirring up a lot of stuff…and I just don’t want to deal with it right now, so can we just go?”

“Sorry but I did a bit of rewiring that is causing some of the artron energy particles to reboot, she’ll need to rest ‘til the morning.” The Doctor looked at her apologetically. “But!” She darted off and came back within thirty seconds with a book. She looked down at the page it was flipped open to. “Graham lent this to me a while back and it says here that says you can help your friends by being there and listening to their problems.” The Doctor’s finger reading over the line. Yaz couldn’t help but smile. “What?”

“Nothing, just you. I appreciate you trying.”

“You know me, always willing to give it a try. And I want to help you.” Yaz let out a sigh, she could tell how hard the Doctor wanted this to work, but she wasn’t sure about re-living it all again. Despite her trepidation, Yaz felt a glow from within her, just from knowing the Doctor wanted to put the effort in. “Plus, if that’s not enticing enough you can talk to me about your emotions ooooon…” She put down the book, placed her hands on Yaz’s shoulders and spun her around. “Ta-da!”

“You bought a sofa.” A little laugh escaped Yaz’s lips.

“Well you were complaining about the lack of seating and I thought why not eh? Always wanted one. Picked it up while you were at your parents.”

“How did you get it here?”

“Delivery driver! He did look a bit confused as to why I wanted it in the middle of the street next to the big blue box.”

“I’m not surprised.”

The Doctor went over to the new piece of furniture. It was a deep royal purple colour with TARDIS blue cushions. Yaz once again felt a jolt of happiness, the Doctor has thought about her needs and gone out of her way to fulfil them. It was almost enough to make Yaz forget about the day she’d been having.

“You did say you wanted a purple one,” Yaz said walking to join her. She sat down and the Doctor did the same. They shifted a little to look at each other. “Very comfy.” The Doctor hummed in agreement.

“So, what’s up?” The Doctor asked, her arm leaned on the back of the sofa, her hand in her hair.

Yaz recounted all the events in her head and realised that in order to tell this story she was going to have to come out to her. The only people she’d ever told to this day were Izzy and Dan. She thought that maybe Sonya and perhaps her mum had suspicions due to her distinct disinterest in men, but it was never talked about. The idea of the Doctor knowing she was gay didn’t scare her, she knew the Doctor would be accepting, it was more if the Doctor connected that dot and found out her affections for her. But once she thought it through more, Yaz reckoned that she was oblivious. She also thought it would be a hell of a leap to just assume that because someone is gay that meant they were into you. So despite her initial anxiety, shed hedged her bets that no links would be made.

The last time she spoke the truth, things got dark. But this was different. The Doctor was no Izzy, and she trusted her to ends of the earth.

“Before I get into it, I need to tell you something.” Yaz shifted to look at her properly. There was a beat as Yaz mentally ran up to the hurdle. “I’m gay.” The Doctor didn’t react and Yaz felt an overwhelming need to fill the verbal space. “And I know that probably doesn’t mean anything for Time Lords, and in a couple of centuries time it won’t even matter to humans either but-” Yaz’s nervous rambling was silenced by the Doctor’s hand coming to rest on hers.

“Yaz, it matters to you, so it matters to me.” The Doctor said and squeezed her hand a little and it sent a rush through Yaz. “And I know the start of the 21st Century, there’s a while to go yet unfortunately.” Yaz made a small noise of agreement. “But I’m glad you told me. I can tell that took a lot for you to say.” Yaz felt calmed by her delicate features, she nodded. Yaz felt her thumb stroking the top of her hand. Yaz would have given anything to know if this was just a social cue she’d gotten out of that book or if she was touching her because she wanted to.

“I saw Izzy Flint today,” Yaz finally said, trying to divert her excitement and get back on track.

“The girl who bullied you?”

“Yup. She was just there. At the pub. Laughing, having fun, ya know, existing. I felt offended, after everything she did, she didn’t pay any price for it.”

“That must have been hard for you.”

“She looked straight at me, and it all just came flooding back.”

“What happened Yaz?”

“It was so fast. Just one night. That was it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this one, still hope y'all enjoyed x
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always very appreciated :) x
> 
> tumblr @ champagne_vagabond


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> This chapter contains homophobic/racial slurs and bullying that some readers may find distressing.  
> Please proceed with caution.

-five years ago-

Izzy stared at her for a moment. Yaz knew she couldn’t un-speak those words. The truth was out. She felt a slight sense of liberation, which was mingled in with her immense fear. Her theory was correct, saying it made it real. No longer just thoughts in her head, it was known by someone else.

“You’re what?” Izzy asked and Yaz rolled her eyes and started walking away, she’d be damned if she was saying it again. Izzy ran in front of her.

“Wait, wait, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that.” Yaz said nothing and looked down at her feet, wishing she could run, despite it being totally futile. She didn’t want to face her, didn’t want to face herself. “Let’s take a walk.” Izzy’s voice was gentle, she put a hand on Yaz’s shoulder.

As they walked around the cul-de-sac Yaz noticed the daylight was starting to fade, the sky dusted with violet. The girls walked in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t easy either. Things needed to be said, but neither really knew where to start. They were a couple of houses away from Chloe’s when Izzy stopped to sit on someone’s front lawn. Yaz joined her, she pulled her knees in close.

“Isn’t Harry gonna miss you?” Yaz asked.

“Oh bollocks to Harry, you’re my best mate and this is a big deal.” Izzy took a sip of her drink looking up at the sky. “You can see the moon out already,” Izzy commented pointing at it.

“Yeah, it’s pretty.”

“Would you ever go into space? If you could?” Izzy asked.

“That’s not exactly the line of questioning I thought you were preparing.”

“I didn’t think you’d wanna talk about it.”

Yaz put her chin on her knee and focused on the moon.

“I don’t think I would. Seems pretty dangerous. One thing goes wrong and it’s all mayday, mayday.”

“I think that’s just in the movies.” Izzy took another swig from her bottle of Smirnoff Ice. “What if you had all the kit? Like a futuristic spaceship and with like your own bedroom and it was super safe and cool.” Yaz noted that this wasn’t Izzy’s first bottle.

“Maybe, if I had the right person with me.”

“I’d go with you, if ya like.” Izzy smiled and nudged her. “What if you met an alien? I always wanted to meet an alien.”

“What if they tried to kill you? Or probe you?”

“But but, hear me out, what if they were like really cool and really sexy and like wanted to get on this.” Izzy pointed at herself. “I’d fuck an alien if they were fit. Would you fuck an alien if they were like sooooo gorgeous?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe a little tipsy.” Izzy laughed. There was a pause, Yaz felt the air shift. “How long have you known?” Izzy asked finally broaching the subject. Yaz sighed, moving a hand down to pick at some strands of grass.

“Since I was about twelve. I remember when we did that Lord of the Rings marathon, you were all about Aragorn, but I couldn’t see it. And I remember getting these butterflies in my stomach when I thought about Arwen.” She plucked at the grass nervously, as she recalled all the confusion she felt. As the years past she came to understand what those butterflies meant, which is when the shame started to weigh on her.

“You said you fancied Legolas.”

“I lied.”

“He’s a pretty feminine looking man come to think about it,” Izzy jibed, poking her in the ribs. Yaz smiled, entertaining the idea that maybe this wasn’t going to have to be this big problem, that maybe she’d let the secret loom over her like a monster and in the end there was nothing to fear.

“I really wish you’d told me,” Izzy said. Yaz looked at her and saw the hurt on her face. “Because if I’d have known I would have never of pushed with this whole Arthur thing.”

“I know. I was just scared. He had this look in his eye like he was about to kiss me, and I just couldn’t pretend that it was what I wanted.” Izzy moved her arm onto Yaz’s shoulder and stroked her, Yaz felt her hand move further downwards and slip around her waist. Her head came to rest on her shoulder. Yaz felt trapped, part of her wanting to sink into the sensation, the other half burdened by shame. Yaz tried to ignore her touch and focus on the sky, but it was irresistible. She knew it was wrong, but she let her discipline fall, relaxing into her touch.

“How long did you think you could go on pretending?”

“I don’t know.” Izzy’s head came up from her shoulder. “I thought maybe if I didn’t say anything, just for a while, then my life could stay the same.” Yaz’s voice was quiet, Izzy’s other hand put the bottle down and came to rest on Yaz’s leg. Yaz’s instincts told her that this didn’t feel like a normal embrace and her nerves began to elevate. When she looked at Izzy her face was closer to hers than she’d anticipated.

“Maybe it still can be normal, maybe it can be better,” Izzy said as Yaz tried to rationalise the glance Izzy had taken at her lips.

“What do you mean?” Yaz heard the quiver in her own voice. Izzy lifted the hand on her knee and placed a piece of Yaz’s hair behind her ear. Izzy leaned into the gap between their lips, before Yaz’s brain could process that her best friend was going to kiss her, her lips were on hers. Delicate and sweet, the taste of sugary alcopops lingered in the background. Once Yaz’s brain had caught up with what was happening, elation grew inside her. She moved her hand to Izzy’s cheek and kissed her back. She had found out what it was like to stand on top of a mountain after years of standing on pebbles, only ever looking up at what she thought she might have one day. It was more glorious than she could have imagined. The more she wrapped herself up in the warmth of desire, the more she wanted of her. She leaned into her pushing her back onto her hands. Yaz moved her leg over hers, straddling her, Izzy’s hands firm against her waist.

Yaz had stolen the odd glance at lesbian porn here and there, maybe a couple of compilations of lesbian kisses from TV shows on YouTube, but she wasn’t prepared for just how much the real thing would turn her on. She’d often quickly switch those videos off, feeling too ashamed. But this was Izzy, and she didn’t want to hold back from showing her how she truly felt, not anymore. As the kiss deepened, Yaz experimentally opened her mouth and touched her tongue against hers, hearing the smallest hitch in Izzy’s breathing.

“What the fuck?” A male voice yelled.

Yaz heard a yelp come from Izzy. Yaz went from enjoying a perfect moment to flat on her back. The impact of her back on the ground sent a shock right through her, it took a few more seconds to realize that Izzy had thrown her off her.

“What the fuck is going on?” Yaz looked to see Harry, Izzy’s on again off again boyfriend storming towards them. Anger and confusion radiated from him. Yaz guessed that they were currently on. She also didn’t have an answer, still completely thrown from the abrupt change of mood, literally and figuratively. Arthur and Chloe were following him. Izzy jumped to her feet.

“She hit on me! I was trying to comfort her and then she just threw herself at me! I was trying to get her off!” Izzy wailed, clinging to his shirt. “Babe you have to believe me, she’s just some crazy dyke!”

“Heard about what happened with Arthur,” Harry said ignoring Izzy’s pleas and looking straight at Yaz moving down to lean over Yaz. “Always just thought you were such a frigid little girl, turns out you’re a faggy little dyke as well as a dirty little paki.” The venom in his eyes was fierce, Yaz could sense he was coiling, about to strike. He spat on her cheek. “Now, now the whole school’s gonna know it.” 

“Dirty little lezzer!” Arthur yelled before throwing his drink on her. She gasped as the lukewarm beer hit her clothes and skin, soaking her. Yaz hadn’t had time to come to terms with the way this way panning out, her heart rate was doubling by the second. Still on the ground, looking up at the horror that was taking place before her eyes _this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening,_ she told herself over and over.

“Dyke bitch!” Another drink hit her, this time from Chloe, whose shrill laugh could be heard for miles.

Yaz looked straight at Izzy, begging her with her eyes to make this stop. To tell the truth. Izzy looked at Harry who raised his eyebrows for second, prompting her. His expression didn’t need vocalising. He wanted her to do it. He wanted her to prove her story.

“Don’t ever come near me again you little dirty, paki bitch!” Izzy yelled, grabbing Harry’s drink and chucking it on her. She spat on her before chucking the empty bottle into the street.

“Nice one Iz, that’ll teach the bitch a lesson,” Chloe heckled. “Come on guys, lets leave her in the dirt, just were a girl like her belongs.” The boys laughed and followed Chloe back into the house.

When the other three had gone inside, Izzy hung back before entering. She turned to look back at Yaz, their eyes met in a second would replay in Yaz’s mind for years to come, a single tear rolled down Izzy’s face. She quickly wiped it away and went inside. It would take five years for Izzy Flint to ever look Yaz in the eye again.

Yaz laid there, all thoughts had vacated her mind, all that she could feel was the tremors of the earthquake. Her heart pounding in her ears. Yaz could vaguely hear the owner of the property yelling at her, but it was in the background, drowned out by the sound of loud ringing. An alarm was going off in her mind, this was real, and this was dangerous, she needed to go. She quickly got to her feet and took off down the street, she could hear her feet hitting the pavement as she ran as fast as she could.

Her life changed from unfamiliar, to perfect to the completely ruined all in the last half hour. It was too much to comprehend. Maybe if she ran far enough away, it could be erased, if she never stopped running, she’d never have to face it.

She ran until her legs collapsed. She was in the middle of a street. On her knees. Still miles from home. Soaking wet. Tears relentlessly streaming down her face. She cried so much she ached. She reeled from the reality of what had just happened, the more minutes passed the more it sunk in, and the agony tore at her heart. All that time she’d spent curating the lies, carefully avoiding people like that, closing herself off. Tonight she opened the lid and reveal her truth, only to have it ripped away and beaten by the person she loved.

Yaz had nothing left, her body had failed her, her mind spiralling into despair.

Her cries transformed into screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, this was tough to write x
> 
> Comments & Kudos always appreciated


	5. Chapter 5

She began her story at the point where she told Izzy she was gay, and she ran all the way through until she was on her on her knees on a random street in Sheffield. Yaz intentionally skipped over the details about Izzy’s drunken alien sexual fantasies, a conversation of which the irony was not lost on Yaz now. Her story was out, she knew the worst was over. Yaz knew it would probably never be an easy thing to share, but there was enough distance between her and the events of that night that she did not feel like she was picking at an open wound. The scar was starting to heal, now she was just explaining how she got it.

“I somehow made it home, don’t remember how. That’s when my mum found me, soaked and crying on the floor outside the flat.” Yaz looked down at her hand, the Doctor’s hand still on top of hers.

The Doctor stayed quiet. Yaz had been trying to avoid eye contact during the story. Laying out her most intimate trauma was hard enough, but it was made even more intense because it was her. The woman she admired more than anyone, the best person she had ever met, was now listening intently. Her focus was undistracted, she wasn’t even fidgeting. Her whole attention focused solely on Yaz.

Yaz now needed her to say something, the pause led to their eyes meeting.

“What happened after that?” The Doctor asked, her voice gentle, her hand never leaving Yaz’s.

“Everything changed. We never spoke again. Her and her mates outed me to everyone who would listen. The next couple years were some of the worst of my life, especially that first year. When I went back to sixth form in the September all the kids called me dykey-paki, like it was a two-in-one. People would throw bits of their lunch at me; every girl would refuse to sit next to me in class. I’d do all I could to avoid Izzy but sometimes I’d run into her with a group of girls, she’d throw out insults like the rest of them, but she never once looked me in the eye.” Yaz paused for a moment, considering how she felt on the darkest days.

“It got so bad I…” She took a deep breath as the memories welled up inside her. “I considered ending it. I ran away and my sister called the police. The police officer who came was great, she gave me hope that maybe I could get through this. My parents got involved and I dropped out of sixth form, I spent the rest of the year in counselling, after that I decided to become a police officer. And in 2018 a mysterious woman fell out of the sky while I was on shift and here I am.”

“I’m glad I fell where I did. I’m so glad I got to meet you.” 

“Me too.” They both smiled at each other, the Doctor giving her hand another squeeze. “In the end, she got what she wanted. She got to cover up that she cheated on Harry, but even better she got to stay in the closet. Sonya's mates know her little sister, turns out it wasn’t just a drunken snog, apparently she is out and proud now. She got to come out on her own terms. She betrayed all the trust I put in her, she ruined everything we had.” She took another moment to think about the loss of that friendship, the grief was smaller now, but it was still present. “That was the worst bit. I expected nothing less from those mates she hung around with, but I lost her and she…” Yaz felt the tears start to form in her eyes. “She was my best friend.” A tear fell down her cheek and she wiped it immediately. She was conscious that this was a new area for the Doctor, and she did not want to overwhelm her with her emotions. But when she thought about Izzy, it was hard to stop the pain pouring out of her.

She was taken off guard when the Doctor leaned into her hug her.

“I’ll be your best friend now, if you like.”

 _You mean much more to me than that_ Yaz replied in her head as she wrapped her arms around her, noticing how good she smelt. Citrusy with a hint of smoke, warm and inviting, like the flambéed zest of a lemon rind.

“We are best friends, Doctor.” Yaz spoke, smiling into her shoulder. They had never hugged before, not even after the most perilous of adventures. It was unfamiliar territory for their friendship, but Yaz was grateful for the embrace. Feelings of both protection and vulnerability were tied to one another. The Doctor’s embrace offered Yaz a place to be shielded away from all the anguish, but she could feel her heart singing in a way she knew it should not.

“I’m so sorry about what happened to you,” The Doctor said moving away from her.

“It’s okay, we all have pasts we’d rather just forget,” Yaz said and the Doctor nodded, her face turning solemn. Yaz wanted more than anything for her to share as well, but she had locked herself away. And if fortresses of emotional baggage were compared, Yaz’s was cardboard, and hers was steel.

Despite the Doctor feeling like home to her, it was not a place where Yaz had all the keys. Some rooms were still a mystery.

“You know you can always talk to me if you like.” Yaz said, knocking on the door.

“I don’t need to talk.”

Yaz sighed, feeling a pang of rejection in her stomach.

“I let you see so much of who I am, I just wish you’d let me in. I’m right here, Doctor.”

There was a heavy silence. Yaz thought maybe she had gone over that invisible line, the one that made distance herself even further.

“Yaz, I-” The Doctor was cut off mid-sentence.

“What the ever-loving shit is going on?” A male voice spoke. Yaz turned around to see Dan standing in the entrance to the TARDIS. “Am I tripping right now is that it?” His eyes darted to Yaz, then to the Doctor, and before Yaz could reply he ran out of the room and back out onto the street.

“Dan!” Yaz chased after him. When she left the TARDIS she found him tapping on the back on each wall of the box. “Dan, calm down and I’ll explain.” Dan did two more laps of the TARDIS exterior before peering in again.

“But, how? HOW?” Yaz grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled his gaze from the glowing lights of the control room back onto her. “Go on then, explain please because I’m losing my mind.”

“Okay, well I can’t exactly explain how it works, something about dimensional engineering.” Dan gave out an exasperated laugh as Yaz spoke. He strode back in and Yaz followed him. Yaz did not remember leaving the door open.

“How did you get in here?” She asked.

“I was worried about you so I watched to make sure you made it up to your flat, but instead you went into this blue box and then you stayed in the blue box for 40 minutes so I knocked and then the door opened and then I entered the fucking twilight zone.” Dan did not pause for breath.

Yaz felt slightly relieved that the TARDIS let him in rather than it be her own error.

“Look, just _calm down_ okay?” Yaz put her hand on his shoulder as they walked further in, she could see his eyes were flickering all over the place. “Deep breaths, like we did earlier.” Yaz breathed with him as the walked up to the control panel, the Doctor now standing with her hands in her pockets.

“Doctor, this is Dan, he’s a friend of mine from work, the TARDIS thought it’d be okay to let him in,” Yaz said rubbing his shoulder mouthing the word _sorry_ at the Doctor who mouthed back _it’s fine_. “Dan, this is the Doctor,” Yaz saw Dan’s eyes settle on her. “This is her spaceship.”

“Hello!” The Doctor said, giving him an awkward wave.

“It’s a spaceship?” Dan looked at Yaz, a dash of fear was layered into his confused expression.

“Travels in time as well,” The Doctor commented.

“HA! Well this has all been so lovely, but I need to go wash my…toaster. So-”

“Dan, I know it’s a bit of a culture shock. But this is real, she is real, the whole spaceship in a box thing, it’s all real.” Yaz gripped Dan’s arms and locked eyes with him. “I couldn’t tell you, I’m sorry, but this is where I’ve been this whole time, we’ve been travelling through time and space…” Yaz saw something click in Dan as he turned to look at the Doctor.

“The blonde.” He pointed at her. Yaz gave a small nod, praying he didn’t give away any more of their earlier conversation. She let go of his arms and Dan took a few paces back until he was backed against a pillar.

“Where did you get a spaceship?” Dan asked, now looking straight at the Doctor.

“I stole it.”

“From where? Area 51? MI6?”

“No, from my home planet.”

A few seconds passed as Dan processed the information.

“You’re an alien?”

“Yup.”

“You look like a lesbian art teacher?” His statement came out like more of a question and Yaz put her hand on her face, looking at the floor.

“What’s wrong with that? Love is love and art is love! In fact, I used to lecture at a University here on earth so it’s really not that much of a leap.”

“You what?” Yaz queried, always picking up on the breadcrumbs of information that detailed the Doctor’s past.

“No don’t get me wrong I’m as gay as anything, I just meant…you don’t look like an alien.”

“Oh, well, I am. But I’m glad I could pass as human, I do really like spending time on earth, best not to scare the locals.”

“How come you like spending so much time on earth then?” Dan asked, a coyness now seeping its way into his voice. Yaz shot him a death glare.

“Humans are great and Yaz is the best one. Plus, Yaz needs time at home once in a while.”

“The best eh?” A wry smile forming on his face.

Yaz considered elbowing him in the gut.

“I only take the best.”

“I see.” Dan’s eyebrows raised as he looked at Yaz who was now ready to wrap this up before it got out of hand.

“Well, I think I’m gonna head to bed now. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Yaz said all while gently pushing Dan out of the TARDIS with her. Yaz gave her an apologetic smile, she saw the Doctor give a small nod before she closed the door behind her.

Yaz and Dan stood outside the door.

“Well that was something. I’m gonna go home and have an existential crisis from learning that aliens and time travel exist, was lovely to see you.” He made it one step before Yaz grabbed his arm.

“Walk me up to my apartment?” She asked and he sighed.

“Fine. Wait, you’re not an alien are you?” He asked.

“Nope, and no one else on earth is by the way so you can stop panicking,” She said as they walked to the lift. “I think she’s the last of her species, well her and this other guy. I went to her home planet once and it was all just rubble.”

“And what species is that?”

“They’re called the Time Lords.”

“Oh well lar de dar.” They got in the lift and Dan leaned back against the glass pane, his hands shoved into his denim jacket. “Who else knows about this?” He asked as they reached Yaz’s floor. They stepped out and walked slowly.

“Ryan and Graham.”

“Sonya’s boyfriend and his granddad?”

“Yup. Last I spoke to Ryan he’d kept Sonya in the dark, just said we were all travelling together but spared the details, just to keep it simple.”

“How did that come about? The three of you with her?”

“It’s a long story.”

“I bet.” They came to a stop outside Yaz’s flat. Dan walked over to the concrete half-wall and looked out over the city, Yaz went to join him. “The thing I don’t get is, she’s an alien, but she looks so normal. I mean a bit kooky, but normal.”

“She’s the furthest thing from normal.”

“This is insane. And she’s the one right? The one you like?”

“I did say it was complicated.”

“Well I thought you meant she’s married or she’s a commitment-phobe not she’s an actual sodding alien from outer space,” Dan said, his voice cracking into laughter. Yaz smiled at the ridiculousness of it all. “The good thing is you’re wrong.” He said turning to face her. “She’s totally into you.”

Yaz shook her head. She knew thinking like that wasn’t going to lead anywhere. “Oh come on! Yaz is the best? Of all the humans?” Dan poked her in her ribs.

“I told you, we are just mates.”

“I don’t tell my mates they’re the best humans on the planet.”

“Well you’re not an alien who talks like that.”

Dan sighed. Yaz walked over to the door. This had felt like one of the longest nights of her life and she needed a long rest to digest it all.

“Fine, but what about the rainbow stripe T-shirt? That’s got to mean something surely,” He said.

“She doesn’t know what it means, she just likes rainbows.”

“Hm, well I’m still convinced there is something there. I’ll text you tomorrow.” He hugged her before walking away.

That night curled up under her duvet Yaz replayed what the Doctor had said over and over. _Humans are great and Yaz is the best one._ She then thought about that hug, her body against hers. All attempts to quell her excitement were futile. Dan had sparked a match of hope, she couldn’t find a way to put it out. She found herself daring to dream about it, her mind filled with fantasies of them, happy and together. She wondered what her lips tasted like. _Stop stop stop._ She told herself, she’d been down the path before, it was too dangerous, she couldn’t risk slipping. She put her face in her pillow, wishing she could scream without waking anyone. The Doctor was still a closed book to her, and no matter what she said that hadn’t changed in the two years she’d known her. That was proof enough to Yaz that it was just a fantasy. If she couldn’t trust her with her past, then she was always going to be at arm’s length.

She shifted onto her back and looked up at the ceiling.

What she told herself was irrelevant, despite all she knew, her hand would never stop reaching out to her.

Her heart would quietly hope, always enduring, as a place that the Doctor may one day call home.


	6. Chapter 6

Yaz pulled her brush through her hair and contemplated what style she wanted to go with. As she looked in the mirror she noticed that her dark circles were more pronounced than usual. She hadn’t slept very well. Her mind was overflowing with thoughts of the Doctor, thoughts of Izzy, thoughts of what the future held.

“Yaz! We’re giving Sonya a lift and then we are going to Homebase,” Najia called.

“Okay! See you later!” She replied whilst trying to focus on her mascara application.

“You in tonight?” Najia had now opened the door and popped her head through.

“Yeah, should be,” She said, always careful to leave her answers a little on the vague side. The Doctor wasn’t always great with exact dates.

“Well let me know,” Najia said, her tone implying that she wanted to say more. Yaz did her best to avoid questions about the Doctor, usually she’d try and change the subject, but today she was grateful her mother let it go. Najia could sense a tension coming off her daughter, she knew that on days like this she would be causing more of an issue than it was worth.

Yaz heard the door click. She styled her hair into two French braids and added an extra layer of concealer underneath her eyes. When she was finished with her make-up she toyed with the idea of putting on her favourite perfume. It was a large Chanel bottle her dad had bought her for her 21st birthday, she only wore it on special occasions. The one time she wore it in the TARDIS the Doctor commented that she smelled “interesting”, she couldn’t work out if that were a good or a bad thing and she hadn’t worn it around her since. As she looked at the bottle she noticed how this useless crush effected nearly all aspects of her decision making.

There was a knock at the door. Yaz reckoned her mum had forgotten her car keys as usual, she walked up to the front door and opened it.

She wasn’t prepared to see Izzy Flint standing there.

Yaz finds herself yet again with a lump in her throat, her body frozen in place, those piercing blue eyes that locked onto hers. The silence drew out for what felt like an eternity.

“How do you know where I live?” Yaz finally said something, she felt violated at her audacity to just stand there, to turn up out of the blue and disrupt her life once again.

“You remember my little sister Charlotte? She found out the address from one of Sonya’s mates. I didn’t mean to come unannounced, I just-”

Yaz cut her off by closing the door. Her reactions flicking into fight or flight mode. She only got half of the way when Izzy’s hand stopped her.

“Yaz, please. There are things I want to say.”

“It’s too late.”

“Please I….” Izzy trailed off, Yaz pushed the door back open. Izzy looked down and fiddled with her hands. “I never forgot what I happened that night.”

Yaz sighed, her initial shock was dissolving and leaving behind a hot stab of pure contempt.

“Can I come in? Please.”

Yaz walked back into the flat, she didn’t have the nerve to push the door in her face again. There was also a small part of her that wanted to know what she had to say for herself. She heard the door click as she sat down at the dining room table. She turned to Izzy.

“You wanted to say things,” Yaz gestured at the seat opposite her. “Please, take a seat.” She deliberately made her tone as fowl as possible, she wanted to make her uncomfortable, she wanted to make her regret even coming here. She could tell it was already working, the nervous energy off Izzy was almost palatable.

“I know what I did was stupid-”

“Stupid?” Yaz questioned. “Not cruel, malicious, awful, unforgivable? Stupid? That’s what you’re going with?”

“I was just a kid and I didn’t-”

“Izzy.” Yaz could feel the anger switch on, a spark had been lit. “If you are here to try and dignify what you did to me then you need to leave. Right now.”

“I’m sorry, look, I’m just really sorry okay? I fucked up. I don’t have any excuses.”

“You’re sorry.”

Izzy nodded. Yaz hadn’t known this type of anger before. The spark was catching, spreading flames within herself.

“For what? You’re sorry that you used me as a scapegoat? That I had to go into therapy from all the bullying? That you ruined our friendship? What the fuck are you so fucking sorry about Izzy?” She heard a quiver in her voice as she swore at her, she was losing her grip on her anger. Her body temperature started to rise, her blood running hotter by the second.

“All of it.” Izzy had tears in her eyes. She looked down at her hands, hanging her head in shame. “Everything I did.”

Silence poured over them for seconds that grew longer as the moments passed. Yaz attempted to regain some composure. She didn’t want Izzy to see how much pain she’d caused.

“I really wanted to do A-Level PE.” Yaz said, Izzy looked up at her, a mildly confused look on her face. “I wanted to be a sports teacher of some kind, or maybe do sports psychology at Uni. Do you remember?” Izzy nodded. “First day of the A-Level course I saw a group of girls staring and whispering in the locker room. I went to a cubicle to hide from it but when I came out I saw “Dyke Bitch” written in lipstick on the mirror. I knew then I had to drop out, for my own safety.”

Izzy nodded, saying nothing. A single tear fell from her face. Yaz felt an overwhelming urge to see her cry more, to see her anguish.

“I never got to do the A-Level, never went to Uni.” Yaz leaned in a little. “Do you see the point I’m making here Iz? It really doesn’t matter that you’re sorry. Sorry is something you say when you made a mistake. This was a mistake that you chose over and over until it destroyed my whole future, my whole life. You don’t get forgiveness for that.”

“I never expected you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know that I know what I’ve done, and I am sorry. Even if it’s not enough.” Izzy took a sharp inhale to try and control her tears, but they fell regardless of her efforts.

“I heard you’re out now. You can add that experience to the list of things you stole from me.” Yaz said as she leant back in her chair, folding her arms across her chest. She was a little taken aback at how much she was enjoying this. She’d spent many nights thinking about what she’d say to her, seeing it coming to reality was surreal yet rather cathartic. She saw Izzy fiddle with the ring on her finger.

“Yeah, I’m engaged actually.”

“Who is the incredibly unlucky girl?” Yaz probed. Izzy avoided her gaze. “It’s someone I know isn’t it?” Yaz’s skills of deduction had improved through her work and travels, she could tell when someone was holding back information.

Izzy nodded.

“Who?”

Izzy said nothing. A quiet rage still flowing around her, cooled only by the sight of Izzy squirming.

“Tell me.”

“It’s Chloe.”

Yaz had tried to brace herself for the answer, but it hadn’t worked. Once the information processed she couldn’t help but laugh a little at the ridiculousness of it all.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Izzy shook her head.

“You’ve got some nerve Iz, I’ll give you that. Coming here to give a pathetic apology and telling me that you’re marrying the girl who you bullied me with. At least you two have your hideous personalities in common. And you really do deserve one another.”

Izzy looked down, Yaz wondered how far she could push her until she left.

“I hope you’re happy now. I hope that even though I did ruin your life, that it doesn’t last. You deserve happiness,” Izzy said, her voice breaking from the tears.

“Well, I hope you suffer and that you have a miserable existence. Because that is what you deserve.” Yaz had lost control of the words coming out of her, her anger was taking the wheel. The rage was now turning to fury, she could feel it rising, threatening to bubble over. Izzy looked at her with guilt in her eyes. Yaz felt the pressure about to explode. “Get out of my house and never come here again.”

Izzy looked like she wanted to say more, but Yaz couldn’t take any more of this. She couldn’t bare even looking at her anymore, let alone anything else she had left to say.

“Leave my fucking house Izzy! Get the fuck away from me!” Yaz shouted, causing Izzy to jump up and run to the door. The temperature had reached a critical level, she wanted to make her hurt. To cause her all the pain she’d inflicted on her.

The moment she heard the door close she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. Maybe they’d been coming for a while, but she hadn’t noticed through the fire of her anger. She was left in the cloud of smoke. The aftermath left her with tears flowing down her cheeks, her breathing was more of a pant, her whole body felt like it was shaking.

The scar that Yaz had shown the Doctor last night had now been picked open once again. What Yaz thought was healed was now exposed, red, bleeding.

A minute or so passed before there was another knock at the door. Yaz walked up to it, anger reigniting itself once again.

“Izzy I swear to-”

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the Doctor standing in front of her.


	7. Chapter 7

“You’re late, you’re never late, so thought I’d come check that you’re okay,” The Doctor said, her face instantly changing to a look of concern. “You alright?”

Yaz wiped away the tears from her face.

“Izzy was just here.” Yaz said letting her in to the flat.

“What? Hang on, I passed a girl in the hallway, straight brown hair, blue dress?” The Doctor followed Yaz into to her bedroom.

“That’s the one.”

“She was crying quite a bit.” The Doctor sat on the edge of the bed as she was watched Yaz pull a large weekend bag from the top of her wardrobe.

“Good.” Yaz chucked the bag onto the bed and started packing her make-up.

The Doctor watched her as she lobbed things into the bag. Yaz darted around the room picking up various items, needing to redirect her nervous energy into something.

“I’ve never seen you like this.” It was enough of a statement to make Yaz stop in her tracks. Yaz raised her hands to her face, she just wanted to run away from it all. Run away with her. If she left with her now, she could try and forget Izzy’s face by losing herself in hers.

“What happened?” The Doctor probed further.

“Nothing happened. Nothing remotely useful or healing in any sense. She came here to say sorry, told me she’s marrying another girl who bullied me at school. I screamed at her and she left. And now I just want to leave, so let’s just get away for a few weeks and you can drop me back in a couple of hours.” Yaz started rooting around in her sock drawer, she shoved the socks in her bag and took a deep breath. “And I know you’re no good at emotional stuff, so let’s just go.”

“Why?”

“Because if we go then everything can go back to normal. I don’t have to see her again. I can stop reliving it all.”

“I don’t think it’s going to help…you can’t run from this, Yaz. You can’t run from what happened or how you feel.”

“That’s a bit rich coming from you isn’t it?” Yaz drove the knife in before she even realized it was in her hand. The eruption had already happened, but her anger was still flowing off the side of volcano, prepared to hit anyone in its wake.

The Doctor looked down and said nothing in response. Yaz stopped everything, she couldn’t believe what she’d said, the heat of her anger meant she didn’t see the wood through the trees.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“No, you’re a right. I’m a kettle,” She said gesturing at Yaz, “Calling a pot black.” The Doctor sighed again scratching the back of her head. “I’ve got no place telling you what’s best in these types of situations, I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me.” There was a beat as Yaz stood awkwardly fondling a sock. Despite how harsh she’d been, she didn’t exactly disagree with her. “Because this is what you become when you never stop running Yaz.” She pointed at herself and fell back on the bed. “And trust me it gets really tiring after a while.”

Yaz could see a window of opportunity opening before her. She walked to the edge of the bed and laid down beside her. The two laid in silence for a moment, looking up at the ceiling.

“Do you ever want to stop?” Yaz asked, turning her head to look at her. Her mood shifting from guilt to acutely aware that she was lying on her bed with the Doctor beside her.

“I wouldn’t know how.”

“I wish you would just take some time to breathe once in a while.”

“But if I breathe then maybe I don’t save people who needed me.”

“That isn’t you’re burden to bare. You are just a person. Okay maybe more than you ever knew you were, but right now you are still only one. And you can’t put the weight of the universe on one person’s shoulders.”

Yaz studied the Doctor’s face as she contemplated what Yaz had said. Yaz hoped she was getting through to her.

“I’ve seen things Yaz, done things, things that would make any person run forever.”

“What things?”

“Wait, we are supposed to be focusing on you, I’m supposed to be helping you get through this.” The Doctor turned to look at her, as if she’d just clocked on to what Yaz was doing.

“I know…” Yaz gave herself a second to work up her courage. “But as long as I don’t know you we are always going to be imbalanced. You can’t truly be there for me if you are on the other side of the glass.” Yaz rode a surge of confidence that came off from the adrenaline of standing up to Izzy. She knew what she had said could potentially hurt her, but she couldn’t lie to her either. “Please tell me, Doctor.”

The Doctor got off the bed and Yaz worried she’d gone too far. She quickly sat up. She tried to stop her brain racing to sexual thoughts when she registered that the Doctor was on the floor, kneeling between her legs.

Yaz looked down and studied her face, a growing anxiety spun around in her stomach as she waited for the Doctor’s next move.

“I can show you.” The Doctor said looking up at her, their eyes locked on one another. “I have telepathic power, if I press my fingers to your temple I can show you my memories. I can’t show you all of it because it would be too overwhelming for your mind, I can maybe do the past four lives I’ve had.”

Yaz considered the prospect and nodded.

“Okay,” she said, their eye-contact never breaking. The Doctor looked fearful. Her hands still placed on either side of Yaz’s legs. “You’re scared,” Yaz noted.

“Yes.”

“Of what?”

“Of what you’ll think of me after you see this.”

Yaz didn’t resist her urge to touch a piece of hair beside her ear, she stroked the blonde lock of hair between her fingers as she thought of the next thing to say.

“Opening up is scary but closing ourselves off is worse. You’re the bravest woman I ever met, so I need you to take a leap of faith, I need you trust me.” There was a pause as the Doctor digested her words. “Do you trust me?” Yaz asked.

“Yes. Always. Do you trust me?”

Yaz nodded. The Doctor moved her hands to either side of Yaz’s head. Both women took a deep breath before the Doctor delicately placed two fingertips on either temple. The Doctor closed her eyes and Yaz did the same.

Yaz saw flashes before her eyes, she saw so many faces. She wasn’t just watching the memories pass her by, she was connected to how the Doctor felt in those moments. There was happiness in her past lives, she saw so many joyous memories shared with friends. Running through the universe, someone always at the Doctor’s side, someone to share it with. But with all that love came so much grief. She saw war, death, heartbreak. Yaz saw how every person before her had left, sometimes through death, sometimes through circumstances that drew them apart. But every single one of them submitted to their end, leaving the Doctor alone, leaving another scar on the Doctor’s hearts.

Yaz gasped when the Doctor finally severed the connection. Yaz’s eyes flew open, coming to rest on the Doctor’s, who put her hands on Yaz’s arms.

“It’s okay, I know it’s a lot to take in at once, you’ll feel a little weird.”

Yaz, without hesitation, wrapped her arms around the other woman. After what she’d seen, all she knew was the Doctor needed to held. She felt a need to protect her, despite it all being inked in the past. She felt the Doctor’s hands wrap around her waist, holding her close, as if to say, _I won’t hold you forever, so I’ll hold you as tight as I can._

When they came apart Yaz didn’t know what to say, words seemed impossible to string together, what response could she give to a life as long and as devastating as that.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” She spoke gently. The Doctor gave her a polite smile. “I get how difficult that was for you.” The Doctor got up to sit next to her linking her hand with Yaz’s.

“I’ve never done that before, but I wanted you to know the truth. It’s the least you deserve.”

Yaz squeezed her hand.

“The truth doesn’t scare me ya know, nor does it change my opinion of you.” Yaz needed her to know that she wasn’t going anywhere.

“I made some terrible mistakes Yaz, you saw.”

“Doctor. I’ve experienced first-hand what a terrible person is. It’s someone who chooses cruelty for their own self-interest. I saw how you felt all those times, yes, you made bad decisions. But you never failed to get up and choose kindness again.”

The Doctor looked at her and Yaz knew she’d struck a nerve. She saw tears start to well in her hazel-green eyes.

“Thank you, Yaz.”

“I don’t know how I’d cope if all of that happened to me in just one lifetime,” Yaz admitted.

“It’s more separate lives, I still remember the pain, but it’s like that grief belonged to that version of me. Like when you store old family photos in the attic, every life in its own little box. Sometimes I rifle through the good memories.” Yaz nodded as she pictured the Doctor alone in a dusty room, looking through lives once lived.

“How is this life going for you so far?”

“Oh, one of the best, definitely a favourite.”

“Really? But what about the Master and all the-”

“Yaz.” The Doctor cut her off, Yaz could sense that she was mentally working up to something. “Stuff always happens, no matter what life. It’s like a I said I’m a magnet for trouble,” She said and Yaz smiled. The Doctor looked down at their linked hands. “But…I got to meet you. And that makes it worth it.”

The Doctor looked up at her again, and Yaz felt confetti canons go off inside of her. She replayed what the Doctor had just said over and over. She didn’t say you and Ryan and Graham. She said “ _you._ ” And the way the she was staring into Yaz’s eyes made her feel like it really was all about her. It was a real confirmation that she was important to her, and it was on a level she didn’t anticipate.

“I…” Yaz didn’t have the words yet but she didn’t want to leave any more silence. “I feel the same. I mean, meeting you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love all the travelling, and all the things I’ve seen, but you’re my favourite part.” Yaz instantly regretted the words as they left her mouth, she’d been swimming in the excitement of what the Doctor had said, she didn’t notice she was heading to the edge of a waterfall.

Yaz felt exposed but kept her eyes on hers. She expected the Doctor to back off, a tension to build from a line she thought she’d crossed. But it never happened. A tension was there, but it wasn’t awkward. It was heavy with anticipation.

The Doctor gave her a soft smile. Her other hand coming to rest on Yaz’s knee. Yaz felt a bolt of electricity run through her, her insides doing somersaults.

Just then both women hear the door open.

“Only us!” Yaz hears her mum call from the hallway. Yaz lets out a breath of frustration and mentally cursed her family for walking in. The door to Yaz’s bedroom swiftly opened and the Doctor jumped to her feet. If anything the sudden movement made the whole thing look more suspicious.

“Oh Doctor!” Najia’s eyes widened a little.

“Hello!” The Doctor held up her hand as a little awkward wave.

“What a surprise,” Najia said, her tone changing from initial shock to warmth. Najia’s eyes flicked over to the bag on the bed. “Going somewhere are we, Yaz?” Concern now leaking into her voice. “Haven’t you got a shift tomorrow?”

“Err, yeah, just for the night.” Yaz gave an unconvincing smile, she could see on her mum’s face where her mind was racing to.

“Oh okay, well you must stay for dinner. Ryan and his Granddad are coming too.”

Yaz and the Doctor looked at each other knowing they couldn’t really refuse an offer to reunite the fam.

“Sounds great,” The Doctor said, smiling.

“Perfect, your Dad’s making Pakora!”

Yaz wondered if this situation could get any worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter upload!!
> 
> I have about 3 or 4 chapters left to go :)
> 
> I have been really struggling mentally this week so it took a lot to get to a place where I am happy to upload so I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Kudos & Comments always appreciated :) x


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey!” Graham was the first voice Yaz heard. Her and the Doctor were sat next to each other at the table. The Doctor had been talking to Hakim at length about various conspiracies, Yaz smiled as she listened on the side lines.

“Surprise!” Yaz said as the two men came into their field of vision.

“Hey!” Graham called in surprise and both his and Ryan’s faces lit up. Sonya smiled, hand in hand with Ryan. When Yaz first found out about them she felt a bit weird about it, but now she knew there was nothing she could have done to prevent it, nor should she have tried to. She couldn’t protect her little sister forever and when she took the time to reflect on it, she couldn’t think of a better bloke.

“Come here!” Graham said and the two women got up to go embrace the other half of their self-made fam.

“It’s been a while,” Ryan commented, patting the Yaz on the arm.

“How long has it been?” The Doctor asked, a hint of worry on her face. Graham laughed.

“About a month, not that long, don’t worry,” Graham said as they all walked back over to the table.

As they sat back down at the table Hakim got up to go serve dinner Yaz poured everyone water while they waited for the food.

“Been a while since we’ve seen you Doctor,” Najia said as she sat down at the head of the table.

“Oh you know, busy.”

“What exactly do you do?” Najia asked.

“Erm, well, I…I’m a tour guide. Among other things.”

The other three members of the fam smiled to themselves.

“Oh that’s interesting, anywhere we’d know?” Hakim said.

“It’s a bit off the beaten track.”

“Oh Yaz!” Hakim came back with dishes of food for everyone to dig into. “I must get you to look at that fit-bit tonight, bloody thing says I don’t have a pulse!” He said as he placed the food in the middle of the table.

“She can’t tonight love, she’s off out,” Najia said, Yaz looked at her, her mother’s eyebrows where slightly raised.

“Oh, where are you going?” Hakim asked, Yaz racked her brain for an answer.

“Just out, be back tomorrow, promise,” Yaz said, praying that they would just let it go.

“Okay, you need a lift?” Hakim asked, still probing for further information.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll drop her back in the morning, promise,” The Doctor chimed in. Yaz wanted to shoot her a look but it was clear from her tone that she was oblivious to the deeper levels of this conversation.

“Having a special sleepover I’d imagine,” Sonya said, a smirk painted on her face.

Yaz kicked her in the shin without any hesitation.

“Ow!”

“Girls, stop that!” Najia said.

“That’s a great idea actually! I love sleepovers me,” The Doctor said, smiling as she piled her plate with vegetables. Yaz wanted to hit her head on the table.

“Oh…” Najia said, processing her statement. “Do you often have sleepovers…with other women?” Najia asked, Yaz’s cutlery fell out of her hands and crashed against her plate. Ryan stifled a laugh.

“Err no, just Yaz as it currently stands.”

“Mum, please, just drop it.” Yaz shot daggers at her mother.

“What? I’m just asking, nothing wrong with that in this day and age,” Najia said.

“This is delicious,” Graham said trying to swerve the conversation back to normality.

“Why would something be wrong with a sleepover?” The Doctor questioned.

“Like I said, it doesn’t matter,” Yaz stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork, hoping with all her heart that the Doctor would remain in her state of blissful ignorance.

“Well…nothing is wrong with it it’s just,” Najia stopped mid-sentence and sighed. “We just want you to be happy Yaz. If, there was someone in your life, we’d be accepting, you know that right?” Najia looked over at Hakim who nodded. Yaz looked at her mother’s face, she still felt a twinge of annoyance that she was trying talk about this at the dinner table, but she couldn’t be mad at her. Najia placed her hand on Yaz’s, her face was gentle, loving.

“Yes, but I’ve told you, it’s not like that.” Yaz wanted to lie and say she wasn’t gay, but something in her held her back. She appreciated that her mum was trying to make a connection, but it wasn’t the right time or place.

Najia raised her eyebrows at Hakim and they exchanged a look of doubt. Yaz could feel the frustration rise again, but it didn’t feel right to hash it out. If she did, she’d be painting on more lies. Part of what they were seeing was true, she was gay. And as for her relationship with the Doctor, the skin on her leg still tingled from where she’d laid her hand on her.

As they ate, Ryan and Graham both pulled the conversation back off the cliff and Yaz felt her nervous energy begin to dissolve. Yaz was given the space to fill her mind to the brim with everything that had happened in her bedroom, being trusted with those memories, the feel of her hearts beating against her chest, the weight of the atmosphere between them. Yaz would have given anything to know if she was the only one who felt it.

She looked at the Doctor as she chatted to her father about his problems with technology. She wished for nothing more than to feel her hand on her again. She realized then that part of her bitterness over her mother’s questioning was because she wanted it to be true, she wanted it to be more, to be the fantasy that kept her awake most nights. Knowing she was in over her head, she tried to distract herself by making small talk with her mum and her sister.

The rest of dinner passed on without a hiccup. Yaz left the table to finish packing, her mother following her.

Najia stood in the doorway as she watched her pack, building up her nerve to say something.

“Sorry about putting you on the spot at dinner love, I just want you to be happy.”

Yaz sighed.

“I know, I am happy mum.”

“You don’t seem it.”

It was the first time in a while she had felt her mum walking on eggshells. After what happened with Izzy her parents became fearful that someone would hurt her like that again. Yaz never really explained in full detail what happened to them, just that they fell out. The event fractured not only fractured her life, but it put a burden on her family. Yaz would come home from college and sometimes cry herself to sleep. The more her family tried to be there, the more she isolated herself. One day her parents approached her with their proposal that she Yaz should drop out and go to counselling. She often regarded her decision to say yes to counselling as one of her best, that and one other major life event she chose to go all in for.

“I saw Izzy today, she found out where I live from Sonya’s mates.” Yaz let her mother see a piece of the puzzle, but not the full picture.

“She was here?”

“Yup. Came round to apologise.”

“How did that go?”

“As well as you’d expect.”

“Did you get to say your piece?”

“Yeah…” Yaz zipped up her bag and looked up at her mother. “It didn’t solve anything though.”

“Well, I hope you can take your mind off it tonight. I love you sweetheart.”

Yaz gave her mum a reassuring smile.

“I love you too.”

\-------

Back in the TARDIS Yaz set her overnight bag on the sofa and sat down.

“So, where to?”

“Anywhere, preferably some place that’s less chaotic than my family dinners.”

There was a pause as Yaz watched the Doctor fiddle about with controls. She could tell she wasn’t actually pressing anything.

“Can I ask, what was that sleepover thing about?” The Doctor looked at over at her and Yaz didn’t want to try and fabricate some lie, it didn’t appear fair after all that the Doctor had let her see.

“They think we are dating.” Yaz kept it to the point, she was quite curious as to what her reaction would be.

“Oh.” The Doctor paused for a moment.

“I told them we weren’t.”

“Okay,” The Doctor said, her hands still pretending to be occupied. “Well, I usually get slapped at family encounters, so I think that was a win.”

“I know you do.”

Another pause.

“How do you feel about knowing all that stuff now? I’ve had a lot of faces…I’ve known so many people before you.” Yaz noticed that she was weaving around what she wanted to say. Yaz didn’t need to wonder if others had gotten jealous of the ones who came before, she already knew.

“It’s like chapters in a book. And we are our own chapter,” Yaz said, trying to reassure her. The Doctor gave her a curt smile and Yaz looked down at her feet. “I want to tell my family the truth, about me, I think they already know but...”

“The truth is hard sometimes.”

Yaz recounted the first time she came out and all the chaos and destruction that came before it.

“I just think about how petrified I was when I told Izzy, how it still affects me now. I see all these people now, like Dan for example, out and proud, carrying on with live as normal. But It’s like she broke me.”

They looked at each other then and then emotional weight of the past few days started to catch up on Yaz and she could feel the tears rising in her eyes.

“Sorry, it’s been a mad couple of days.” Yaz said, trying to laugh it off and she wiped her cheeks.

“Yaz, I want to take you somewhere.”

“I mean, you always do.”

“Somewhere special. Kind of like a date.”

Yaz felt that tingle again, right in the pit of her stomach. The more her gut tried to tell her that she could be in with a chance, the more she tried to beat that thought down.

“Okay.” Yaz smiled and the Doctor got to work on the co-ordinates.

____________

Yaz walked outside into a scenic plaza that was lined with trees. There were a few people scattered about, some sat on benches, others taking photos. Beyond the plaza she could see a path along a river, the lush greenery of the park was all around them.

The Doctor joined her as Yaz soaked in the atmosphere, the sun was shining, and she could hear birds singing. Yaz always cherished that first moment she stepped outside the TARDIS. It was an incredible gift that the Doctor had given her, and despite of the past couple of days, Yaz was smiling in total awe.

“Japan, only a couple of weeks ago on a particularly sunny day in April.”

“It is lovely.”

“Come on,” The Doctor said and took her hand. Yaz smiled to herself as The Doctor lead her down the path to a grand building that was situated in the middle of the park. Yaz kept a gentle clasp on her hand as they walked up to the entrance. “This museum has something I want to show you.”

The Doctor took her into one of the exhibits. To Yaz it looked like a pretty typical museum, the rooms where full of open space, and the white walls where lined with ornate pots and vases.

“Pottery?” Yaz questioned, struggling to see the Doctor’s line of thinking.

“Not just any old pottery Yaz,” The Doctor said leading over to a vase. Yaz was still slightly distracted by the delight of her hand in hers. “This is Kintsugi. Kin meaning golden, Tsugi meaning joinery. See those golden cracks on the vase?”

Yaz nodded as she looked at the lines of gold that wrapped around the vase. The lines were like rivers that meandered across the porcelain, randomly joining each other and splintering off.

“It began around four or five centuries ago here in Japan, it’s a technique used to repair broken pottery. If a bowl or a vase breaks, you use lacquer mixed with gold to join the pieces back together, making the object more beautiful than the original product.” Yaz listened carefully and looked at the vase, she marvelled at how something that was imperfect was now celebrated for its faults. She started to connect the dots in the Doctor’s thinking. “The things that happened to you are a moment in your history, you are still whole Yaz, and your cracks from your past have made you a stronger and more beautiful person.”

Yaz turned from the vase to look at her and the Doctor did the same.

“Now I’m not saying that all that stuff needed to of happened for you to be the person you are today, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone let alone you, and trust me if I ever run into that girl again they’ll be trouble.” Yaz let out a small laugh. Their eyes stayed focused on one another’s. A new kind of intimacy now trickling into the moment. “You are not broken Yaz, you _were_ broken by all those who wronged you, and instead of turning to hatred and revenge, you repaired yourself with being kind to others, by being brave, and by standing up for what is right. You gathered up the pieces and made a choice to become the whole you are today. You repaired yourself with gold.”

Yaz was speechless.

It took a few long moments for Yaz to fully process what she’d said. The only feeling left was the love she had for this woman now pouring out of her. The tears were once again threatening to fall from her eyes as she looked back at the vase. All at once she could see how she’d fought against what happened to her, how she’d chosen kindness over hatred.

The vase was a portrait of her life in the Doctor’s eyes. And now in her own. She’d given her a way to see to all the beauty that she’d been blind to.

“Are these happy tears?” The Doctor asked, and Yaz smiled, looking back at her.

“Yes…I…I never looked at it that way. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“You are beautiful.” The words wrapped around Yaz’s soul. Excitement shot through her like a lightning rod. Their physical distance now only a foot apart, their hands still intertwined.

“So are you,” Yaz said, now fighting the urge to close the space between them. Instead she lifted her free hand to her face and placed a lock of hair behind her ear. “After everything that’s happened you are still choosing to be kind, still helping those who need you.” The Doctor smiled softly. Yaz had wanted to kiss her more times than she cared to think about, but none of those times where quite like this. She was believing that maybe she wanted it too.

Before she could get too carried away in her thoughts, The Doctor moved to hug her. Yaz wrapped her arms around the other woman and was soon lost in the warmth of her embrace. She was just about to move herself in closer when she felt the Doctor’s lips kiss her on the cheek. Yaz nearly gasped, shockwaves rippled through her as clutched onto the sensation. Before she had time to fully melt against her, it was over.

The Doctor drew back, and Yaz was now swimming in nervous energy. The Doctor began to guide Yaz around the rest of the pots. They walked around and Yaz took some deep breaths and tried to calm her heart to a normal resting rate.

Once they had looked at entire exhibit, they wondered back to the museum entrance. The Doctor’s interest was peaked by the gift shop. Yaz let go of her hand as they both browsed. The Doctor returned to her side with a bag in hand.

“What did you buy?” Yaz asked as they walked outside.

“Well I was going to wait till your birthday but I’m notoriously bad with dates so,” The Doctor pulled out a small box and handed to her.

Yaz opened it to reveal a necklace with a gold chain with a small white marble pendant. The pendant was in the shape of a heart and had two cracks that shimmered in gold. Yaz smiled up at her.

“Do you like it?” The Doctor asked.

“I love it. Thank you so much, for all of this.”

The Doctor moved in closer and picked the necklace out of its box. Yaz followed her lead and turned around, moving her hair out of the way.

“Just so you always remember, you are never broken, just repairing,” The Doctor said as she did up the clasp. Yaz couldn’t stop the goose bumps that came when she brushed her hands against her neck. She wanted the gesture to imply something romantic, but she couldn’t know for sure. Despite the confusion, the heart still swelled with pure joy.

They walked back to the TARDIS in a comfortable silence and Yaz thought about the incredible artistry she’d seen, all those pots, now more beautiful from being broken.

She’d been so hard on herself not telling her parents, a little twinge of fear still lingered when she thought about coming out to them. But she no longer saw herself as broken. She’d accepted that revealing who she was going to be hard, but that didn’t mean that Izzy had messed her up so bad that she’d never be proud of who she was.

She was no longer afraid of never finding the pieces again, the Doctor showed her they were all already there. All she needed to do was be kind to herself and to others, if she did that then she would always remain whole.

“I was wondering, do you mind if I pop back home again? Just for a bit, there’s something I want to do.”

“Of course,” The Doctor said as the walked up to the TARDIS doors.

Back inside Yaz texted Daniel,

_I need your police constable sleuthing skills – find me a phone number for Isobel Claire Flint._


	9. Chapter 9

Yaz and Dan arranged to meet in a bar not too far from her house. Dan agreed to a different place than the one Yaz had ran into Izzy, just in case.

Yaz walked in and saw Dan ordering a drink.

“Hey,” She said walking up next to him.

“Hello!” He gave her half hug with one arm and bought her a lime and soda. “I have the information that you seek,” He said as they sat down at a nearby table. He pulled out a small piece of white paper and handed it to her.

“Thanks,” Yaz said as she looked down at the phone number.

“You gonna give her a piece of your mind?”

“Nah, it’s not about that. I just need to tell her something. Then I think I can let her go.”

“Well good luck with it, but I don’t understand why I couldn’t of just text you the number, not that I’m not happy to see you of course.”

“I wanted to talk to you about something else…” Yaz trailed off as she thought of the best way to phrase this.

“The Doctor?” Dan questioned, with a smirk.

“Yeah,” She admitted, running her finger around the rim of her glass. “I think…you might be right. About her liking me. But my mind could be just wanting it to be true so bad, I just, I really don’t know for certain.”

“I mean we can never be certain, have a little flirt with her and see how that goes, ask her to make you see stars,” Dan can’t help but giggle at his own joke. Yaz rolled her eyes, yet a smile still formed on her face.

“I’m no good at that stuff, I wouldn’t even know how. And I doubt she’d even notice.”

“Well there must have been something she did to make you see the light, tell me everything please,” he said leaning in, his head on his hands.

Yaz sighed, now starting to doubt herself.

“She took me to Japan, to this museum. And it was kind of more of a date.”

“I mean, out of all the places in the Universe, Japan is thinking pretty small.”

“No it was…it was really special. She’d thought it all through and she helped me see my life in a whole new way,” Yaz said as her fingers absent-mindedly stroked the pendant.

“Well it sounds promising.”

“And she bought me this,” Yaz said showing it off to Dan.

“A flipping heart? Girl, she’s got it bad for you I swear.”

“But-”

“But what Yaz? She went to all this trouble, she bought you a sodding necklace with a heart on it, like what more proof do you want?”

“But she doesn’t see things that way sometimes. Like my sister made a jibe about us and she had no idea what she was talking about.”

“Okay, but I still think this is enough to go on. Maybe you just need more evidence to prove it to yourself. Like before all this, what was the last trip you went on?”

“We went to this underwater world and I got kidnapped and she rescued me. Got a pretty bad bruise from the whole thing, so she got some cream to help with it. The end.”

“Cream?”

“Yeah, it was pretty cool actually, she just rubbed it in and within the next day it was gone.”

“Woah woah woah, Yaz. Yaz. Please tell me you see the glaringly obvious thing here,” He said, and Yaz shook her head slowly. “Why on earth couldn’t she just hand it to you?”

Yaz stayed silent now mulling over what Dan had just said. He had a point. She hadn’t thought much on it at all when it happened, there weren’t even words exchanged, the Doctor put the cream on two fingers and Yaz lifted her top without any thought. Did she do that just to touch her skin? Was she just being careful about how much to apply? Yaz hoped with all her heart that it was the former.

“You see what I mean?” Dan asked knocking Yaz out of her thoughts.

“I mean…I didn’t even think about it at the time. But maybe, yeah.”

“Maybe? Yaz come on! Tell you what, I’m having a little get together tomorrow, barbecue and karaoke, what more can you ask for? Maybe you two could have a little wine and let your hair down…see where the night takes you.” Dan smiled as he spoke, and Yaz already felt nervous at the idea, she’d never really been one for parties.

“I don’t know if the Doctor would be up for a big weekend bender.”

“It’s not a piss up, don’t worry. Its pre-drinks and then we are going out to Pride.”

“Pride?”

“Sheffield Pride baby, I am buzzing,” He said, beaming with excitement. His expression softened. “You don’t have to come, I know you’re not out yet, but maybe it’d be good for you to see what the world’s got waiting for you.” He reached out for her hand. “It’s a good time.”

Yaz thought about the idea for a few moments. After Izzy she put herself so far back in the closet she hoped no one would ever see her for who she was. But then she told Dan and she peeked outside, and then she told the Doctor and she opened the door a little further. Going to pride might be a good look outside, from the comfort of her closet, supported by her friends.

“Yeah, okay, maybe that could be fun.”

“It will be, don’t worry, my friends are super chill.”

Yaz nodded.

\-----

Yaz walked back onto the TARDIS feeling that wave of nervous and excited energy that hit her every time she saw the Doctor. The Doctor was lost in the controls again, tools spread out everywhere.

“Hey,” Yaz said, walking up to her.

The Doctor looked up and smiled.

“Hey, how was Dan?”

“Good, actually he’s invited us to go to his house tomorrow, then out to Pride.”

The Doctor gasped, excited.

“I’ve always wanted to go to a Pride parade! All the joy and rainbows, that sounds great!”

“Yeah…” Yaz said looking down at her hands.

“Do you not want to go?”

“No, I do, I really want to be proud of who I am. I just don’t know why I feel nervous about it. I know I don’t have to be out to go, but it might be a bit intense.”

“I understand,” The Doctor walked up to her. “But I think it will be good for you, and we’ll take it easy yeah? I’ll be there, Dan will be there.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I think I need a bit of fun after the week I’ve been having.”

“Agreed! Oh wait, should I have a different outfit?”

“Err I think the rainbow stripe shirt is pretty on brand but it’s going to be like 28 degrees tomorrow so maybe lose the coat.”

“Summer casual, can do.”

“Cool, I’m gonna pop home but I’ll pick you up tomorrow, like midday?”

“Sounds great,” Yaz gave her one last smile before walking out of the TARDIS.

“Yaz?”

Yaz turned back to look at her.

“I am proud of you.”

“For what?”

“For facing your demons.”

In that moment, Yaz was proud of herself too. The Doctor always showed her the best in herself, even when she couldn’t see it herself.

Yaz stepped out of the TARDIS. Her nerves about going had calmed somewhat, but her pining for her still raged, she couldn’t control her mind as it wondered to thoughts of the Doctor. The way she smiled at her, the way she held her, the smell of gorgeous silken hair. She wanted it to be true, even her police officer training was telling her that there was evidence that pointed that way. Maybe there was something there. She was thinking about tomorrow, thinking about being with her, her arm wrapped around her, the fantasy felt tangible. She smiled to herself as she looked back at the TARDIS. The hope was building, and she didn’t want to knock it down any longer.

Yaz decided she was going to tell her how she felt. She wasn’t going to let the past hold her back any longer.

As she walked back to the flat, as she exited the lift she pulled out the piece of paper Dan had given her. She typed in the numbers and pressed dial. She stopped walking and took some deep breaths as the phone rang.

“Hello?” Izzy answered. Yaz stopped walking and looked out over the city.

“Izzy, it’s Yaz. I have something I want to tell you. You did what you did because you were scared. I understand. I can't forgive you for it, but I deserve peace. You're the one who must live with what you did. But I don’t. I found more bravery in myself than I ever knew I had, and I'm loved by more people than I ever realised. I'm so much more than you'll ever know. You're just a crack in my bowl, a crack that I'm going to paint in gold.”

With that, Yaz hung up the phone. She smiled to herself and walked the rest of the way to her flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a late birthday present for @authenticsleeping - happy birthday!
> 
> I have had some mental health issues but I am so excited to finish off this story, I think there is either one or two chapters left and then its on to the next big project (still thasmin of course)
> 
> Enjoy, please comment and kudos, always appreciated!


	10. Chapter 10

Yaz walked up to the TARDIS and knocked on the door. Her stomach was gushing in waves, the nerves building, they washed over her as she tried to convince herself that this was all going to be fine.

The Doctor opened the door and the sight of her kicked up a storm in the waves that Yaz wasn’t expecting. She was wearing her usual boots and socks, but she’d traded the standard trousers for short denim shorts that were frayed at the hem, her suspenders were off her shoulders, draped over her legs. Her blue shirt was tucked in, and whilst it was the same design, the stripes were more vibrant.

Yaz’s eyes scanned upwards were she noticed she’d curled her hair, with subtle waves now framing her face. Yaz felt the waves form into a tsunami. Yaz was undoubtedly attracted to her on any normal day, but even the small changes she’d made caused Yaz to be completely floored by the sight of her. One word ran into Yaz’s mind as she gazed in complete awe of her casual yet profound beauty.

_ Fuck. _

“Is this alright? I tried to research 21 st Century festival fashion, I can change-”

“You look beautiful,” Yaz blurted out. She couldn’t have her thinking anything less than the truth.

“Aw, thanks! I nearly burned myself twice on the curling iron though, dunno why the TARDIS suggested it, will not be picking it up again anytime soon.” Yaz gave a small laugh and rolled her eyes. “You look pretty,” The Doctor said, her tone slightly awkward as she gestured to Yaz’s outfit. Yaz had chosen a white crop top with lace around the hems and a silk emerald-green maxi skirt that flowed from her waist to her feet. She hoped that nothing would go awry today, as she really couldn’t run in the sandals she’d chosen.

Yaz had chosen the small heart-shaped pendant the Doctor had bought for her. She couldn’t think of a day from now on where she wouldn’t pick it from her jewellery stand. She didn’t care if that meant all other necklaces were redundant now, she only needed the one.

“Thanks,” Yaz said. A warm summer breeze enveloped both women as they took off to Dan’s house. They chatted a bit about the parade and what they were expecting, Yaz’s nerves were still present, but they had shifted to the background as she enjoyed the buzz of excitement coming from the Doctor.

“I can’t wait to see it all! And I’ve been working on my small talk skills for this party, so nothing to worry about there,” The Doctor said.

“I wasn’t worried, you’ll charm them all I’m sure, you always do.” Yaz tried not to cringe at her own conscious attempt at flirting.

“Thanks, I’ll just stick with you, don’t want to cause any trouble,” the Doctor said with a polite smile. They both knew that trouble had a way of finding her, and Yaz appreciated her efforts to try and keep this as a positive experience.

On the way Yaz stole glances at her whenever she could, her gaze would divert to her thighs and then immediately forward again once she realised where her mind was leading her.

Yaz knocked on the door and they waited together until Dan swung the door open.

“Hiya!” Dan said, giving them both a hug. “Come in, come in,” The Doctor and Yaz made their way through Dan’s ground floor flat. Yaz could hear people chatting and laughing at the back of the flat. As they came into the room they saw people milling about the open plan kitchen and living room. Beyond that there were a couple of people outside in the garden, hovering around by the barbecue.

“So we’ve got beer, wine, spirits, anything you fancy over on that table,” Dan said gesturing over to the buffet of food and drinks on the dining room table. All three of them made their way over to the table. Yaz opted for apple juice, she wanted to keep a clear head but she knew she might give in if she couldn’t get the best of her nerves. Yaz was surprised to see the Doctor picking up the bottle of mango flavoured vodka, but it then became clear that she was just inspecting it.

A young brunette girl joined them at the table. She looked pride ready with a rainbow across her tank top and a bisexual flag tied around her waist.

“Hiya! I’m Maya,” She said, pouring herself a glass of wine into a paper cup.

“Hello Maya!” The Doctor said and Yaz smiled in acknowledgement. “I’m the Doctor, and this is Yaz.” The Doctor pointed at herself then at Yaz.

“Nice to meet you,” She said, smiling. “How do you know Dan?” She asked.

“From work, well, we met when we were both on probation. Then he went and graduated, and I still haven’t finished yet.”

“How come?”

“Decided to go travelling with this one,” Yaz said.

“Ah, well you two certainly make a cute pair.”

“Oh, we’re not...” Yaz said pointing between them both. She found herself losing her need to protest this idea when she realised the Doctor wasn’t doing the same.

“I like your glitter,” The Doctor commented pointing on the shiny rainbows that were neatly striped across each of her cheekbones.

“Thanks, I brought some with me if you want to give it a go,” She said, pulling out a small palette of glitters from her bum bag.

“Oh I haven’t got a precise bone in my body,” The Doctor said.

“I’ll do it for you,” Yaz said, leaping at the opportunity. Yaz took the palette and thanked her, taking the Doctor by the hand they found a quiet space towards the back of the garden. They sat opposite each other and Yaz opened the kit. “Do you want the same as Maya?” Yaz asked, the Doctor nodded.

Yaz shuffled in a little closer and began painting the stripes on with her finger. She smiled as she attempted to keep herself together, trying to not get completely lost in the limited space between them. The Doctor was being remarkably still, Yaz could out of the corner of her eye that the Doctor was gazing at her. She tried her hardest to concentrate on painting the lines, her fingertips brushing against her skin. Yaz thought she saw her eyes flicker down to her lips which caused her to temporarily forget which colour came after green.

“I could try and do the same for you, if you like,” The Doctor asked, as Yaz finished up on the other cheekbone.

“Thought you didn’t have a precise bone in your body,” Yaz teased.

“Can’t be that hard,” The Doctor said, and Yaz passed her the glitter. The Doctor gently swiped the product on and Yaz was put into the Doctor’s shoes. Her face was full of concentration, and Yaz’s eyes couldn’t help but wonder, from her eyes, down her rosy cheeks, to her lips.

As far as Yaz could feel, she was doing a good job with the glitter, but she really didn’t care about that. The touch of her fingertips on her face sent an electric current through the tension that was already lingering in the air. It was the same as before, after the Doctor showed her those memories, the moment was swelling with an anticipation that was becoming almost familiar to Yaz.

Yaz was feeling brave and decided to elevate the tension that she was banking on them both feeling. She mimicked the Doctor’s actions from the day before and placed her hand on her leg. Her bare skin was as smooth as it looked but it was slightly cooler than she was expecting. The Doctor didn’t seem to react until she finished painting. The Doctor came away and both women admired one another, the Doctor tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“Oi, you two! Time for some karaoke!” Dan called.

Yaz knew there was a long list of things that she could feasibly see herself doing at 11am, but karaoke had never once been on that list.

Yaz watched as Dan’s friends congregated around the TV. A couple of people picked up microphones and did their best to sing along to  _ Dancing Queen  _ by ABBA. 

Yaz stood at the back with the Doctor, she turned to look at the Doctor, who seemed to be equally confused and entertained.

“You humans do have some interesting entertainment practices,” The Doctor said before sipping on her drink.

“We do indeed, you should see this when everyone’s had a few,” Yaz said.

“A few what?”

“Drinks.”

“Oh, not usually one for alcohol, but I’ll give anything a whirl, me. Always good to try what the locals do, ya know, to get fully involved in the culture.”

“What are you drinking?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor looked at her cup.

“I honestly have no idea, it tastes good though!”

“Can I try?”

The Doctor handed her the cup and Yaz took a swig. It was blue WKD. She hadn’t seen or tasted the stuff since she was sixteen, since that fateful night. It reminded her of that night, just for a moment. And then she thought of the Doctor, over two thousand and she picked the thing basically marketed to teens trying to get booze on a fake ID.

Instead of revelling in the sadness of the past. She saw the good in what was happening right now. Things that would once make her sad, could now make her smile.

“Not my cuppa tea,” Yaz said, handing it back to her.

“I think it's delicious, most blue things are,” The Doctor said, looking down into the cup before taking another swig.

“Hey!” 

Yaz turned to see Paul walking towards her. Dan’s on again, off again boyfriend. He came up to her and gave her a hug.

“Long time no see,” He said, beaming at her. Yaz smiled back but didn’t want this interaction to carry on for too long. She’d never liked how much Paul had messed Dan around, she knew he’d cheated on him in the past, what made it worse was how innocent he would act afterwards.

“Yeah, it has been.”

“And you brought a friend?” He asked, his eyes darting to the Doctor.

“Oh, yeah, this is the Doctor. Doctor this is Paul, he’s going out with Dan,” Yaz explained.

“Oh lovely to meet you Paul, any friend of a friend of Yaz’s is a friend of a friend of mine.”

Paul looked a little quizzical.

“Doctor?” He asked.

“Yup.”

“What’s that then like, a code-name?”

“Nope, I’m just called the Doctor.”

“But that’s not a name. Like, no one is called “Doctor”.”

“I am,” the Doctor said simply. She answered his questions calmly, but Yaz could tell Paul wasn’t going to accept it.

“Okaaay then...that’s a bit weird, but okay.” 

Yaz wasn’t surprised that Paul had managed to slip an insult into his evaluation. She hoped one day Dan would realise how ugly his heart was. She looked over to see the Doctor raise her eyebrows slightly, she turned to Yaz and she could tell she wanted a way out of this situation.

“Well it was good to see you, Paul,” Yaz said, essentially telling him to leave.

“Yes, you too, hope you and your girlfriend enjoy the parade. Even if she’s not got an actual name.”

And with that final insult glossed over as a joke, he left. Yaz rolled her eyes, the whole encounter was entirely the same as how Yaz had seen him interact with loads of people throughout the years.

“Ignore him, he can be a bit difficult,” Yaz said.

The Doctor smiled.

“Humans who can’t take me at face value turn out to be a bit nasty, that’s been my experience at least.”

“He is a bit nasty, I never understood what Dan saw in him.”

Yaz looked at the Doctor who studied Dan from across the room.

“It’s complicated I suppose,” The Doctor mused.

“Yeah, relationships are.”

Yaz hadn’t intended for the statement to reflect back on them as much as it did. But as the words hung in the air, it was clear they were both thinking about each other. 

“Sorry that everyone keeps assuming that we are a couple by the way,” Yaz said.

“It’s not that much of a leap.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we are two people of the same sex going to a festival that celebrates same sex love.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. Well, sorry if it’s annoying.”

“It really doesn’t bother me, Yaz.”

The Doctor looked at her, she looked like she wanted to say more. But didn’t.

“Cool, I mean, It doesn’t bother me either.”

The pause that hung between them was awkward. It was heavy with what Yaz hoped was more meaning in the words that weren’t said, rather than what was. 

Just then Dan walked up to them.

“Come on ladies, time to get out there and be gay!” 

The Doctor and Yaz followed everyone as they scurried to get out of the door.

\-----------

The parade was an assault on Yaz’s senses. The noise was of the drums and the music could be heard for miles. The swarms of people seemed to carry on forever.

Finally, she and the Doctor wormed their way to the front of the barriers and watched the parade pass by. 

Yaz hadn’t taken her eyes off her since they left Dan’s, this was a lot to take in and she didn’t want to accidentally lose her and be alone in the sea of celebrations.

The Doctor leaned over the barriers, paying close attention to all the floats, dancers and performers. Yaz was a bit overwhelmed, but she knew she’d feel a lot more anxious if the Doctor wasn’t by her side.

Her nerves started to calm down as she acclimated to their surroundings. It was loud, vibrant and practically fizzing with energy, and everyone she saw was having a good time. At one point she saw two girls in the parade share a kiss as they walked, no one batted an eye. It might not have been the case in another context, but at least here, Yaz could see the wood through the trees. And it was a safe place.

She was gay, and that was fine.

Yaz saw a vendor walking past and stopped him. She bought herself and the Doctor two small rainbow flags to wave, which they did.

As they watched the parade, Yaz felt more hopeful for her future. But she knew she wanted to spend it all with the woman who was by her side. She felt something touch her back, she was just about to look round at whoever it was encroaching on her space, when she realised it was the Doctor’s arm. Her hand back to rest on her shoulder, and Yaz took a shaky exhale. Her anxiety had been on the decline the more time they spent there, but her attention was the coolness of her skin against hers. Everything else felt like it went out of focus.

They exchanged a small smile, and carried on watching the parade.

When it was over, they started to make their way out of the crowds. Yaz didn’t like how many people were starting to crowd around her, and she felt a bit trapped. It was almost as if the Doctor could sense her fear starting to rise because she quickly felt her hand clasp around hers. The Doctor led her out of the crowds and over to the fringes of a local park where there was more space to breathe.

“You okay?” The Doctor asked.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. You know, it’s just a lot. I’ve never been to anything like this before. I guess that sounds a bit weird seeing as we travel through the Universe and that never seems to get me this anxious.”

“It's personal to you, so it's no surprise it's affecting you,” the Doctor said.

“Yeah, I guess so…” Yaz looked around at all the people. People who were showing her, that she was okay, that her past was not doomed to repeat itself. It was heart-warming to see, yet still something she was having to take in.

And then, as if the Universe had heard her thoughts, she was there.

Izzy was walking out of the crowds, hand in hand with Chloe.

“Oh my god,” Yaz said and the Doctor looked over to see what she was referring to.

“What? What’s going on?”

Yaz blinked a few times, this was far too absurd to actually be them, not here, not at this very moment. Seconds passed and the surreal nature dissolved into the reality. They looked happy, content.

“That’s Izzy over there, with her wife.”

Yaz looked over to the Doctor and saw a look on her face that she thought was reserved for the Master or maybe a Dalek. When she looked back Izzy and Chloe had clocked them, their smiles disintegrated.

The Doctor put one arm around Yaz who smiled to herself. As she looked at them she noticed that they were the ones who looked more uncomfortable. Yaz felt a calmness wash over her, resolution was a funny thing, they tried so hard to make her think she was what they told her, but in the end she showed them their own reflection. 

They were the ones who were horrid in nature and Yaz found her own mirror, she could see the truth of the woman she’d now become, reflected in the Doctor’s eyes. And she was so much more than them.

Guilt smeared itself over their faces, Chloe ushered Izzy away from the cold reality of the people they were. Those cruel and cowardly women weren’t scary anymore, Yaz didn’t know what lay ahead in their future, maybe one day they could reconcile with what they did, all she knew as her path was paved in gold. 

“You know what I think Yaz?”

“What?”

“You never let them win. You kept shining.”

Yaz turned to hug her and the sparks didn’t fuel any adrenaline or anxiety. She greeted them like a friend, and relaxed into the feel of her body.

“Can I take you somewhere?” Yaz asked.

\----------

Yaz led her by the hand up a steep hill that overlooked the city.

“How did you find it?” The Doctor asked as they sat down on the grass.

“A lot, but in a good way. Never seen so many people so  _ out  _ ya know? I’m thinking that might be me soon.”

“Soon eh? I’m glad you liked it, the world’s been waiting for you.”

Yaz took a second to ponder what she meant, did she mean she now had the opportunity to date? Yaz knew she didn’t want anyone other than the woman by her side.

“Might be a bit out of practice, I mean, I never even kissed another girl after that night. ‘Ain't that depressing.”

There was a long pause, Yaz resisted the urge to look at her just in case it caused her to not say whatever was on her mind.

“I mean, I’m not technically a girl. Well, I am in this body, I am female, and I do feel comfortable with presenting that way as well, it has been a while though. I guess what I mean is Time Lords are a bit more fluid on the idea of gender. But ya know, if you like.”

Yaz’s brain decoded all the nervous rambling and kept coming back with the same answer.  _ She’s saying she wants to kiss you.  _ But she kept on sending the messages in her brain back, telling them to run the numbers again. That was impossible.

She turned to face her. Was it impossible? 

Time to find out, and it was now or never.

“Are you asking if I’d like to kiss you?” Yaz asked, her voice small but still hanging on.

“I mean, if you like.”

Yaz was stunned. Did she mean as a friend? Like a good friend would probably offer, just because they wanted her to have better memories of kissing. Or, she could mean she wanted to.

The Doctor dug around in her back pocket and brought out a small black book. As she skimmed over the folded over page. Yaz read the title;

_ Flirting 101 _

“It says here, “If you put down obvious signals but you still are not sure, your best bet is to just be forward and get that definite yes or no.””

“Have you been using that this whole time?”

“No, well, Ryan gave it to me before they left, said it could come in handy. I think he meant for me to use on you.”

“Doctor,” Yaz lowered the book and the Doctor looked crestfallen.

“Was this the wrong idea? I thought there might be a bit of a vibe—”

“Doctor.” Yaz’s voice was firm now, her eyes took a long glance at her lips. “Please kiss me.”

“You want me to?”

“Yes, I’ve always wanted you to.”

“Oh that is ace Yaz, I can’t wait to tell the boys, they’ll be so chuffed that they were right, I mean I am also very chuffed—”

“Doctor!”

“Right, yes.”

The Doctor leaned in closer and Yaz did the same, her nerves of the tip of the tidal wave, ready to soar over the seas into a wash of elation.

They closed the gap together, her lips finally pressed against hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, it has been a while to get this final chapter done. I guess my mental health to a sharp decline towards the end and then other projects like Namaste got most of my time, but it did get me back into writing and I am so so so happy to have shared this story and to have it complete.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed, comments and kudos always appreciated.


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